Lessons from the Great Purge
Like many people do this time of year, I did my change-of-season closet switch over where I put my tank tops and summer dresses away to make room for my sweaters and warmer stuff. I also did one of my favorite activities: The Great Purge.
It’s always interesting to me when I go through my closet and see the sweater or pair of shoes I simply “had to have” just sitting there. I’ve realized over the years that most of what I buy is far less exciting once I get it home and put it in my closet. It’s led me to make fewer impulse purchases than I did in my twenties when I was single with no mortgage or day care expenses. I’ve been pretty diligent about purging my closet every few months, but to be completely honest, it brings up a lot of complicated feelings for me each time I do it.
Who knew a woman’s closet could stir up so many big emotions? Isn’t it all just…stuff?
I started by making a pile of stuff that doesn’t fit me, even if the item was something I really loved and wanted to keep “just in case.” Don’t we all have some of those “just in case” articles of clothing? It’s so silly. Who are we kidding? How many of us have remained the same exact size over the years? ……..Yeah, didn’t think so.
There were definitely a few items in my closet that I was holding onto with the hope that one day I might fit into it again or fall back in love with. Today I finally pulled the trigger on some of those things and I put them in the donation pile. I struggled, but I did it. One dress was brand new and still had the tags on it. I bought it for a wedding two years ago, and then I ended up being 8 months pregnant at the wedding and clearly the dress wasn’t going to make the cut. Well, turns out it still doesn’t fit right…even after I’ve lost the “baby weight.” I did what any wise woman would do: I ended the relationship. I took a good long look at it, made peace with my feelings, and then I posted it to my local Buy Nothing page. I hope it enjoys its new home! I really do love that dress, but I also know that it was going to just sit there for gosh knows how long and that is wasteful to me. It’s also somewhat stressful to keep seeing it there, lurking and reminding me of its existence. Why do I need to stare at clothing that I don’t wear? That’s no fun! Why not live in the present and open up my closet to clothes that actually fit me now? There’s the expression, “dress for the job you want and not the job you have.” I hold the opposite view when it comes to actually dressing myself. I choose to believe that I should dress for the life and the body that I have and not the one I want to have, wish I had, or used to have. It’s easier said than done. Like most women, clothes are a really emotional thing for me. Dressing rooms are not my happy place. They need to have better lighting and more tissues.
I’ve spent years of my life hanging on certain articles of clothing, trying them on every so often, as if they are the measuring stick for my worthiness. There is this one pair of shorts I’ve hung onto for at least 5 years, and every time they happen to fit, I feel good. When they are tight, I feel horrible about myself. What a mind-fuck that game is. I finally ditched the stupid shorts, and I don’t miss them at all. It felt good. It felt liberating. I was empowered to stop letting the shorts control my thoughts! No article of clothing should have that much power over my life.
The logical part of my brain knows that I am the one with the power and that the clothes are...well, just clothes. It’s only my silly thoughts that drive me crazy.
Next, I went through stuff that fits me, but that I just don’t wear for various reasons. Those items are also hard to get rid of, but for different reasons. As I took each item off the hanger and added it to my donate bag, there was a part of me that remembered how much I paid for it and how much I wanted it at the time. For a minute, I was reluctant to part with any of it. I remember I used to have this pair of shoes that were really expensive, but they killed my feet because I bought them a half size too small and convinced myself that they would stretch. Nope. No stretching. Only blisters. I didn’t wear them after that, but I also couldn’t part with them because I was so fixated on how much I spent and how beautiful they were. By giving the shoes away, my brain told me I was losing money. I’m no financial wizard, but I think this is what we would call a sunk cost. The money is spent. It’s over. It’s done. Stop telling yourself it’s “worth good money” as my mother would say.
Anyone who has ever consigned anything can vouch for this: most of your stuff is worth very little. With the exception of luxury items in near perfect condition, you will get pennies on the dollar for your used stuff. The average sweater from Macy’s doesn’t have much value once you buy it. If you love consignment shopping like I do, you will see just how cheap you can get gently used clothing, some of it still with the tags on it, courtesy of others with the same buyer’s remorse. Consignment stores or Poshmark (I highly recommend the app) are pretty much the only ways I shop for clothes now. As a lawyer, I am in one of the few professions where we still wear suits, and they are extremely hard to find these days for women. I still mourn the day that The Limited went out of business. That store was my favorite and most frivolous way to spend half my paycheck during my clerkship. I paid full price for things rather than waiting for a sale or looking for a coupon because I just had to have it that day. How silly. But you live and you learn. If my closet could talk it would have a lot of good life lessons!
I do not hate shopping, but it’s no longer something I do every weekend. I still love nice things, but they don’t hold the key to my happiness. I’ve also learned to be a savvy shopper. I attribute that in part to marrying the world’s most frugal man. My husband could hit the lottery and he would still go to Goodwill for his clothes. He will wear a pair of shoes until the soles fall off. These are some of the quirks I love about him. He is a super saver. I am a recovering spender.
What’s fun for me these days is the thrill of the hunt for a really good deal. I refuse to pay full price for clothes anymore, especially when styles change so frequently, and things aren’t necessarily made to last. Yesterday my favorite child consignment store had a huge clearance and I got my son some of the cutest stuff for $1.00 each. $14.00 for 14 items was definitely what I call a bargain. For those of you who remember when Seven jeans were really popular (it was college for me) I got him a pair of baby Seven jeans and yes, I paid ONE DOLLAR. I don’t know if I am more excited for him to wear them or for him to grow out of them and I can give them to my friend’s baby. If any of you have kids, you know that passing along and inheriting cute baby clothes can be so much fun. Kids grow overnight so why on earth would I spend $50 on a sweater from the Gap that he can wear twice and will destroy.
We recently decided to do a clothing exchange at work and I plan to give some dressy stuff away to my coworkers which I like because I can still see my old stuff around the office. Learning to let go of material items is definitely a skill I continue to practice and it’s not always easy. I grew up in a house where my parents never gave anything away, even when it was broken or no longer being used. My mom still has some of my baby clothes which are never going to be worn again by anyone (No mom, I am not having another baby). She definitely has her sentimental reasons, but from my perspective, I think it is possible to let the item go and still have the memory. If something is that special, just take a picture of it! Then you don’t need to have a storage room full of boxes full of things you will literally never use again. If you can’t tell already, I have very strong feelings about clutter, even other people’s clutter!
I drove past the Goodwill the other day and the donation pile outside of the store was almost as tall as the store. It was like a landfill of sports equipment, books, toys, furniture and holiday decorations. It actually made me sad for a minute to think of how much we buy and then get rid of. We purchase so much unnecessary stuff in this country and we create so much waste! That being said, Goodwill is a great, easy place to donate. There is always somebody out there who needs or wants what you consider junk.
In my younger days, I think I shopped a lot because it was something to do and at the time, it made me feel good. Now I have so many other interests (and expenses!) and a shopping mall is the last place I want to be. I fully admit that I often bought way more than I needed (like the time I bought a sweater in every single color) because I was trying to buy my happiness. At times, shopping felt like a drug. There is scientific evidence that our brain releases dopamine when we buy things, so it makes sense that we physically feel a rush. For me, the stuff was a false sense of security. I believed I truly needed all of the things in the store in order to feel good inside and good enough for other people. I lived for other people’s opinions. I was also always looking for that one perfect thing to give me that euphoric feeling. And when it wore off (and it always wears off), I wanted something to replace it. Anyone see a dangerous pattern?
By the time I was done with my purge, my closet actually looked like a nice little organized boutique. Not quite a “capsule wardrobe”, but we all have goals we aspire to. Everything was neat, orderly and accessible. I was quite proud of myself. I also realized that when my closet isn’t stuffed with clothes, I have more than I realize and more than I need. Every time I trim down my wardrobe, I prove to myself that I absolutely do not need another black sweater! Ever! I have multiple perfectly nice black sweaters, and yet I seem to forget what I actually own when everything is so unorganized. That type of chaos causes me anxiety and I used to try to shop to overcome those feelings rather than actually dealing with them. I highly recommend real therapy as opposed to retail therapy.
When I looked at my piles of stuff to give away, I felt really good. Everything was going to a new home and not to a landfill. My soul even felt a little lighter. I was actually tempted to reward myself by going shopping. After all, I had just given so much away, right.? I found myself being drawn to old habits, but I was able to catch myself and resist the urge to go to the mall.
Does this mean I won’t ever buy anything again? Definitely not. Clothes are fun, and I enjoy them. I will never deny that there is something magical that happens when we slip our feet into the perfect new shoe. Just ask Carrie Bradshaw. But unlike Carrie Bradshaw, I don’t have a weekly column in the New York Star, so my budget is a little less.
My approach to shopping is more realistic these days and I try to purchase mindfully and purposefully. Most of the time, anyway. :)