We’re on the Same Team
I remember when I was a kid in grade school and the gym teacher would choose two classmates to be “team captains” for whatever sport we were learning about, be it kickball, softball, volleyball, etc. The team captains would then start picking the members of their teams, one by one. The sporty kids were always first-round picks. I wasn’t particularly athletic, but I was coordinated enough that I knew I’d likely get chosen somewhere in the middle. Still, I felt an anxious pit in my stomach until my name was called every single time. At least, I thought, I’ll get picked before so-and-so – she’s always the last one left standing. I suppose my level of compassion in grade school wasn’t quite where it is today. I wasn’t thinking how poor so-and-so must have felt; I just didn’t want to be the one embarrassed.
It’s a fundamental human need – belongingness. The desire to be accepted by our peers isn’t something we leave behind with our school days. Start a new job and you have to prove yourself from scratch with a new set of people. They don’t know you, or your sense of humor, or your capabilities, and you don’t know them. Will I fit in? Will they like me? Will I like them? Will they pick teams and I’ll be left standing there like so-and-so, eyes to the ground with cheeks aflame?
Most of the “teams” we encounter as adults aren’t actual physical teams, but we’re still picking sides just the same. Take one quick scroll through your Facebook or Instagram feed. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, how many posts are divisive in nature, pointing fingers at the “other” party for everything that’s wrong in our world? On the Next Door app, it’s almost comical to peruse the posts in my community. Even an innocuous post about a lost cat can somehow disintegrate into a personal political rant with the predictable combative replies that go back and forth ad infinitum. To what end? Who wins? We’re so busy screaming to be heard that we don’t even try to listen. Hidden behind the relative anonymity of our online presence, we “like” what we agree with and give a “thumbs down” to what we don’t. Would we be speaking so rudely to each other face to face? I sure hope not. Just because I didn’t like or vote for the candidate whose sign you have in your front yard doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t like you. You are not the candidate, and you are so much more than your politics and the party to which you belong.
It isn’t just a political divide that is plaguing our society. We divide ourselves into groups over pretty much everything. Send your kids to private school? You must be an elitist snob who thinks the public school system isn’t good enough for your precious darlings. You’re a working mom? You obviously place a higher value on your career or money than being with your child. A stay-at-home mom? You’re not using your brain! Adopt a particular diet such as vegan, paleo, or plain-old standard American, and prepare for eye rolls and snide comments behind your back, if not right to your face. Honestly, what’s it to you? How does me choosing to eat meat, or not, impact your life? You do you and let me be me. I may not agree with what you’re saying, but that doesn’t mean you’re my sworn enemy. I don’t even know you. We are all different, that’s for darn sure, but different doesn’t have to equal threatening.
I remember many years ago I worked for a company that utilized a “team-building” tool where we all took a personality assessment and got our individual results. If you’ve ever taken a Myers-Briggs personality test, it was something along those lines. The intent was for us to learn about the dominant traits of our team members in order to complement and balance our individual strengths and weaknesses, with the ultimate goal of functioning more cohesively and productively. It was a sh*t show. Immediately, everyone starting comparing their combinations of traits and dividing into groups. “Woohoo, you’re an ABCD, too? High five!” “We’re the WXYZs! It’s the best group to be!” No one actually wanted to learn about the other traits; they just wanted to belong. And in actuality, the tool was used to excuse poor behavior. “Oh, I’m not the detail-oriented type, remember? But you are, so you probably wouldn’t mind doing that client research for me, right?”
Being an introvert, I’ve often felt misunderstood. I don’t know what the breakdown of introvert, extrovert and ambivert is in the world, but I sure feel like I’m in the minority in these talk-but-don’t-listen, scream-and-berate-to-get-your-point-across times. As someone who was always called “quiet” growing up, with what felt like pity, I can tell you being an introvert does not mean I’m a recluse or a hermit or even shy. For me, it just means my battery is charged by quiet time to myself. I don’t think being an introvert is “better” than being an extrovert, but I now appreciate some advantages, such as having an easier time with mindfulness practices than some of my extrovert friends. I have discovered that I enjoy meditation and find it comes fairly naturally, probably because I’m already halfway in my head much of the time anyway!
Although some of the people in my life haven’t always understood me, I just know I was born this way, and trying to be any other way simply feels awkward and unnatural. We all want to belong, to be picked for the team, but not at the expense of losing sight of who we are, of what connects us. There really has to be more that unites us than what divides, so can we focus on that? Please? We’re all on this planet at the same time in history, so maybe that counts and maybe that’s enough.
Team Humanity. No team captains needed.
© Jennifer Ehrlich, 2022. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this work’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennifer Ehrlich with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.