Letting Go: My College Freshman
My youngest son recently left for college.
Of course, I knew the day was coming and we had been preparing for it by buying all the expected college stuff. I was also trying to prepare myself mentally. I knew I was going to cry when I dropped him off and I knew when he left it was going to be hard.
But knowing and reality are very different.
The house is quiet and I am feeling an ache in my heart knowing that things will never be the same in our family. And yes, I recognize that this is a positive step forward for my son, but that doesn’t diminish my feelings of loss.
Some friends with kids the same age or who have already been through the college years get it. They sympathize and acknowledge how hard the transition can be for everyone. We all know it is positive, but there is still heartache for the change and there is still the deep feeling of missing your child.
It is such a definitive end to their childhood it can feel abrupt, especially if they start pushing you away before they leave. I read that this phenomenon is called “soiling the nest” and it makes sense. Our kids may be super excited for a new chapter, but many are also scared and nervous about the change and leaving home. My mom told me recently that I was so ready to leave home when I left for college that she didn’t worry about me. It was my younger brother that she cried for. It’s been quite some time since I started college over 3 hours from my home in New Jersey, but I don’t remember any crying or homesickness. But then again that was the early 90’s so things were very different back then. We didn’t have the option to text daily or call as frequently or even send an email. It feels very different.
It didn’t help that my son was very reticent in his preparations for leaving. I had to keep reminding him it was getting time to pack. I ordered things for his room without his input because he said he wanted me to pick. He’s always been fairly passive so much of this was not new, but I also know it had to do with his feelings about leaving. I know he was nervous and excited and feeling all the feels too.
His move in date went smoothly, the school has it down to a precise science. And he was correct that he would have everything he needed and if he didn’t, we would just get it later. We got his room set up with his roommate (who he did not know previously) and hung his Tottenham flag up (his only wall decoration) and got him settled. I took my pictures and we hugged fiercely on the front steps of the dorm and I cried as I hugged him. I knew I would and he knew I would. Frankly, we all knew I would.
I kept thinking that this was an end to watching “our shows” together at night under a blanket with the cats. An end to his shoes on the floor and keys and backpack on the table. An end to getting a hug and a kiss goodnight every night. And this is hard for so many reasons.
I know I’m lucky he’s “only about an hour away”, but he’s not at home every day anymore and that means that nothing will ever be the same. This is the tough part. This is the part that makes me tear up and makes my heart ache. Maybe your child went away to college, even across the country, and you were all smiles and only happy for them. And that’s great for you and your child. But that’s not me or my experience.
I know he is going to do wonderful things and hope he’s going to love UM as much as I did when I was there years ago. This is a huge step for him and a move in exactly the right direction. I am thrilled for him, but I am also sad for me. So, I will allow myself some grace and allow myself some tears when I sit on his bed and look around the room at his childhood treasures.
I will greatly look forward to the text messages and phone calls giving me updates on his new and exciting life. And I will plan for parents’ weekend next month when I can see my son at his new home and get that hug and see his smile again.
And in between now and then I will remind myself that this is all good and positive and that this is the time for him to fly.