Step-momming: When to Take a Step Back and Why It’s Worked for Me
When I was seriously dating my husband, I realized that not only was I choosing a life with him, but I was choosing one with his daughter as well. I would not only be a wife, but I would be a step-mom to a 9 year-old girl. I fully admit that I didn’t have a clue what step-parenting would be like.
In my mind I would be like a cool older sister and we would braid each other’s hair and make friendship bracelets. It didn’t quite go like that.
My father got divorced before he and my mother had me, and that was the only blended family example I knew. It wasn’t really well-blended and there were a lot of negative feelings. I wanted a different experience, but how? No one I knew was a stepmother! I tried finding books and articles to help me figure out this new role, but nothing seemed to fit our situation. All the blogs and podcasts were about handling high-conflict stuff, and thankfully that wasn’t our life at all. Nevertheless, I was a fish out of water.
I can now admit that I did a lot of things that I regret. It was already a difficult situation for any kid to handle and I added some unnecessary complications to the mix, even though I was well-intended. I came with a lot of expectations of our new blended family and I had a hard time budging when I felt so intensely that I was right. It’s been a few years now and we’ve settled into our routine and even added a new baby to the mix, so I can talk about this more openly now with a clearer head. But I will tell you, my friends, the first year was really rough. I always felt like I was screwing up. There were a lot of tears, and mostly from me.
Here is a little glimpse of what my experience was like, what I would do differently, and what I have learned.
In the beginning, it was really difficult to feel accepted as a new member of the house. I was the outsider. There were routines already in place and I came along and very much upset the apple cart. I remember my big issue of wanting us to all sit around the dinner table together. It was a disaster for about the first year or so. I wanted so much to live up to the image in my mind of what a normal family looks like and eating dinner together was a huge thing for me. It still is. But I came in too strong with my beliefs and I tried to make a lot of changes very fast. My husband was the kind of single dad who made quick, easy dinners and didn’t insist on eating dinner at the table.
He didn’t have a lot of rules and he was sort of figuring it all out as he went along. He was fine with a steady diet of Lucky Charms and take-out. That is certainly not the end of the world, but it really drove me crazy and I wanted to change the whole routine.
No more tv during dinner! More vegetables! Less processed junk! I wanted us all to watch movies together!
I was *maybe* a little militant about it all. I enjoy cooking and I had (still have, but less so) a strong belief that the family should sit down and eat the same meal together. I admit that I do not believe that kids need to eat food shaped like dinosaurs and smiley faces in order to enjoy dinner. They can and should try real food (that is my personal, probably too-strong opinion). It used to be such a source of tension in our household because I wanted to make a family meal and my husband was completely fine with making a separate kid’s meal. It would inevitably lead to disagreements and fighting. Doors were slammed. There has never been so much tension in one household over stupid a box of mac and cheese. I am not kidding. And looking back on it now, did it really matter? Was it worth a huge war to declare a moratorium on Velveeta? I still think my plan of eating one dinner all together is best, but I have learned to accept that I don’t get to make all the rules, even in my own house.
And here is the great lesson I learned from the mac and cheese wars of 2020: Sometimes you make exceptions to the rules and the world goes on.
Repeat: Sometimes you make exceptions to the rules and the world goes on.
What I mean is sometimes you let the kids eat junk food because they enjoy it and it keeps the peace. Other times, you make healthy food. It was a tough enough adjustment for a child to have me and my 2 dogs move into the house. Did I really need to take over family dinner as well? I look back on some of those earlier dinners and I wish I had been more flexible, especially given that I was the outsider.
I tried too hard to change them and didn’t do enough to fit in.
What I learned from 500 stressful dinners: I am not her parent.
I came into the picture 8 years into her life and I tried to make changes that I thought would make our new life better. According to me of course. Some changes came about organically, and they are things we still embrace. But at the end of the day, I am 1 person in her life and my opinions and thoughts come second to her own parents. And while she is a kid, she still has opinions, too and they have to count for something!
This is a really hard thing for me to admit but I will do it because it has helped me grow tremendously:
Just because I have a different belief does not mean that I am right and that my way is the best way or the only way.
That is a tough pill to swallow, but it’s the truth and the more I accept it and embrace it, the more peaceful our blended life is. And the best part is it has eliminated a lot of tension and everyone is happier. I loosened up the reins and I don’t handle every single meal anymore. On nights when there is soccer practice and my husband is rushing out the door, he makes them hotdogs and other quick stuff. And guess what? Everyone lives to see another day. Sometimes we all eat something different and that’s ok, too.
The most important thing to me is that we are together when we can be, and we talk and laugh about the day when we sit down to dinner. The image of the perfect family all sitting down together is part fantasy. We are two very busy working parents with an infant and a preteen. Huge elaborate meals are lofty goals, but the priority for me now is getting everyone fed and connecting as we eat.
Another tough lesson that I have learned that is that some things are just not my job.
This is both good and bad, meaning that I don’t need to worry about things such as parent teacher conferences and science project due dates, but I also don’t get dibs on things like back to school haircuts and ear piercing for the first time. Let me explain. My husband and I are very different. I like to be in the know when it comes to school stuff so I can talk about it with everyone. I initially wanted to see my stepdaughter’s take-home assignments and make sure she was on top of her schoolwork when she’s here. I wanted to help with projects, etc and all that stuff. But over the years, I have realized that in our particular situation, that is not going to be my role.
There are movies where the young stepmom moves in with the widower dad and does all sorts of motherly things because the kids needs help, but that isn’t our situation at all. My stepdaughter has two great parents who love and care about her and they are both equally present in her life. There isn’t room (or need!) for a third person to share that same exact space.
That doesn’t mean there isn’t room for a third person to lend support, but some stuff just doesn’t need to involve me. There definitely can be too many cooks in the kitchen! As a woman and a new mom, I know that there are some things that I want to do with my own child (like take him for a haircut) and I wouldn’t want to have another woman coming into the picture and doing those things. Some things are just mom territory. Period. So I decided that even though I may want to do things like take my stepdaughter for a new haircut or shopping for new clothes, that is mom territory and it’s important to tread very carefully on that so no one’s feelings are ever hurt. Honestly, I don’t really enjoy a lot of those activities, so why put so much pressure on myself? Now that I have my own child, I wouldn’t ever want someone else taking those moments from me! As far as major decisions go such as choosing schools, picking sports, deciding when to get a cell phone, I have found that it all works better when I am there as support, rather than a decision maker. I will always give my input to my husband, even if it ruffles feathers, but I know that ultimately some decisions are not mine to make.
There are so many other ways I can be a stepmom. For example, she and I love to get snowballs and Rita’s Italian Ice together. It’s a nice chance to chat in the car just the two of us. I let her lead the conversation and I don’t impose on her. It’s a little something we share and it’s as simple as that.
I have found that moments like that allow me to add to her life and she can see me as a confidante and an ally, rather than a step-monster.
Every step-parent and step-kid relationship is different. There is absolutely no right way to be a stepmom. Families all have such unique dynamics that it’s hard to know if what you’re doing is right or if you’re going to cause a kid end up in a lifetime of therapy. It is very difficult to step into any type of parenting role and try to earn the child’s respect and affection.
Being a stepmom is definitely not for the faint of heart, but there are some pretty awesome moments that really make it worth the bumps in the road. I love where we are now as a blended family of 4 and I look for ways to be a good ally and a good mentor as opposed to a third-wheel parent.