Breaking up from a job is hard to do…

I did something huge this week.  I left a job that I have been with for over 20 years.  This was not at all an easy decision, and it took me months to even get to the point I would say I was looking.  Then more time to take the next step and send out the first resume.

In many ways leaving a job you once loved but don’t anymore is like a breakup.  It is human nature to hold on to things for longer than we should because change is SO hard and we get so comfortable with routine.  It’s like the old sweater or sweatpants you can’t part with even though they are filled with holes.  But there does come a time we have to throw those old things away and move forward.

I started at my job when I was 25 years old.  That seems like a lifetime ago, and in many ways it really is.  Since then, I’ve been married and divorced, raised two wonderful boys, took a long leave to stay home with my kids, met my current husband and my stepchildren, got remarried, moved several times and tried so many new things.  I grew up in that job and for the longest time I truly loved it.  I really did. I felt like I was making a difference and had found my calling.

I was a domestic violence and family crimes prosecutor for over 10 years.  I also handled other SVU-type cases that most people don’t want to touch.  Yes, just like on Law & Order SVU-I even have a mug.  I felt like this was what I was meant to do and that I was HELPING people.  But then I started not to feel that way.  The reasons are many and some are difficult to put my finger on.  Our office culture changed a lot, the job changed and maybe I changed along the way too.  It was affecting my mental health.  It was time.

The process of getting to this point was long.  I am usually a very decisive person, but this decision truly stymied me.  I know a lot of it was misplaced loyalty and also truly having some wonderful friends in the office (I will miss seeing them most!).  I was frozen until I took that first step and got my resume together, then there was more indecision on sending it out.  I talked to friends, my family and my husband over and over and over- they were so patient with me going back and forth for months.  Even after I accepted the job, I was nervous about the decision.  Resigning was so tough, but once it was over, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. 

I did learn some important things during this process that really apply to all big decisions in life:

1.       Be kind to yourself.  I don’t usually have a lot of negative self-talk floating around in my head, but this process really brought out my insecurities.  The popular term right now is “imposter syndrome” and boy does that fit!  I know I can do my job and do it very well, but the idea of trying something new is almost paralyzing.  My yoga training encouraged a mantra.  It really does work.  I now just have to keep saying it over and over and over when that self-doubt kicks in.  I need to remember it’s ok to feel this way.

2.       No time is perfect-if you wait for the perfect time, you will never do anything.  There are always going to be “what-if’s” and “should-I’s”.  It took me a long time to make my decision because I kept waiting for the perfect time.  It doesn’t exist, make peace with that and move forward.

3.       Nothing is perfect – no job, no person, nothing is perfect.  Trying to be perfect in everything is exhausting and impossible.  The saying that the grass may be greener on the other side, but you still have to water it is very true. I’m trying to be realistic that my new job is going to have challenges for me as well that I will need to address and move on.

4.       I am SO much stronger than I give myself credit for – I have been through some things that have truly tested me.  I have been knocked down and have always gotten back up stronger for them.   In the past few years, I have allowed my issues at work to affect my mental health and make me angry and bitter.  I have never been an angry person, so this has made me particularly unhappy.  Making this decision and shedding the anger has made me feel strong and as a few friends have told me a “badass”.

5.       If you don’t work towards change when things aren’t good, you become part of the problem – It’s so easy to sit back and complain about the things that are happening “to you”, but there comes a point where you must make the decision to stand up and CHANGE things.  This can apply to so many different areas of our lives, but right now it was part of my final decision making.  And it is so empowering!

I am realistic that every position has adjustments and that the change will be very uncomfortable.  And NO ONE likes to be uncomfortable, myself included.  But I know this was the right choice for me and that I am willing to work through the discomfort.  Am I sure this new job is perfect for me?  Absolutely not.  But am I going to go in there on my first day repeating my mantra over and over like a “badass”?  You bet I am!