Don’t Lose Yourself

I had lunch with a friend recently and we ran into a woman who knew my girlfriend.  They caught up quickly laughing about how quickly summer was passing.  Then their conversation went to what happens after their kids leave for college next year.   The idea of finding hobbies to fill time all the expected free time was thrown out.  “Hobbies?” she said.   “What are hobbies?” as she laughed.

I hear this frequently from people.

My question is, why are we laughing at this?   I don’t find this at all funny.

Why is it that when we become moms do our lives only become about our children?

I totally understand how our children and families can become the center of our worlds.  Of course, we love them as you can only love your children and the time investment can be completely overwhelming.  Between feeding and playdates when they are younger and sports and school events when they are older there often doesn’t seem like there could be any “free time”.

But it is so important not to lose yourself in the world of “mom”. 

Bedside books

Maybe you were the one who pre-children loved to read for hours or thrift shop or craft.  Or you ran races, painted or learned how to style hair.  Maybe you traveled, garden or loved to try new recipes.  Maybe you loved to dance, go to concerts, or write poetry.  There are just too many wonderful things we can do with our time and our lives to list them all.  Remember her?

If you lose yourself into the world of motherhood, it can be tough to find yourself again after all those years when your children do inevitably leave home.  And it is inevitable that they will leave home.  That is the end goal of all those hours spent helping with homework and going to sporting events after all.

It is also so important to show this creative or active side of yourself to your children, both for them and for your relationship with them.  Let them learn about the real you, not just the one who wipes their noses or makes their lunch into trains (yes, I did this).  Show them that you are not just “mom”.  This is the good stuff.  This is the stuff they can share with you as you get older.  This is the stuff that brings you closer.

Recently I visited Monticello with my family and loved walking along having my youngest son guess at the planted vegetables.  He has spent years watching me garden in our backyard and has visited the National Arboretum with me every year.  I have shared my love for plants and gardening with my family and even if they don’t decide to garden as they get older, they will forever remember my passion for gardening.  It makes me happy and gives me peace that they see this and can share with me.

I know parenting can seem overwhelming many times.   I know the thought of doing anything other than collapsing on the couch at the end of the day and mindlessly scrolling on your phone or watching TV is enticing, but it is so worth the effort to use some of that time to do something you love.  Start small, but do this for yourself.  Don’t let parenthood wash you out.  Don’t let yourself get lost in the monotony and busyness.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be to find yourself again.

You are worth it.

And maybe, just maybe, you can avoid the panicky feeling that you don’t know what to do with yourself once your children leave home. 

We are all way more than the label “mom”.  Don’t get me wrong, it is a super important label, but it’s not the only one.  Remember that when you feel like you don’t have time for yourself.  Pick up that book even if you only read a few pages, plant a flower or bake that bread you posted on FB.  Find something you love that doesn’t involve your family or your children. 

Make some time and space for yourself.

Don’t lose yourself.