“If It’s Not a Hell Yes, It’s a No!”

One of my favorite and most inspirational Peloton instructors is Robin Arzon. She’s not only a top notch instructor (with amazing funky personal style) but she is also a VP of the company, a new mom and a totally motivational, positive human being. She left a career in law to do something she was far more passionate about and she has established herself as a fitness celebrity. I was recently listening to a podcast where she was being interviewed about life as a new mom and she said something that really resonated with my soul and I thought I would explore it with you all.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

She’s referring to commitments, obligations, projects, engagements, etc and all the STUFF she is either asked to do professionally and personally. Her philosophy is that if it doesn’t excite her and isn’t worth time away from her family life, she turns it down and feels zero guilt.

Woah!

I remember hearing this and it was a pivotal moment for me. I almost never said no when asked to do something. (Until recently). In fact, I’ve spent the better part of my adult saying yes and then regretting that yes but suffering through stuff I don’t really want to do. My biggest concern was pleasing others and I lived in fear of disappointing them. If you’re like me, you’ve probably found yourself agreeing to a party, a dinner, or an event a month or two in advance because you felt obligated and you didn’t really take time to consider if it something you truly want to give your time to. And then all of a sudden, the date is approaching and all you can do is think…how can I get out of this without offending someone and if I do get out of it, how do I not feel guilty?

I think the best answer is to give yourself permission to say no in the beginning. It’s hard being put on the spot. I can’t imagine someone inviting me to something and being able to look them in the eye directly and say, “no thank you.” That feels so gutsy. I do what I think a lot of people do which is say yes and then mentally begin figuring out how to get out of the commitment without sounding like a jerk. It’s definitely not a good way to live your life and it’s something I am definitely working on. When I listened to Robin speak, she brought up a very good point, which is that when you say no to things that don’t honor your personal values, you make room to say yes to what you truly want to do. One example which is a huge source of stress for me is making plans/having company during the work week. I used to put things on the calendar and not really think about whether I would actually want to go and be social or host guests after a long day at work. Some people love that stuff and they live for happy hours. Most of the time that doesn’t appeal to me. I just want to get out of my work clothes as soon as possible! I’ve learned enough about myself to know that I am someone who likes to come home after work, change my clothes, take care of my dogs and unwind from the day. Some people might call me a creature of habit. I own it. I have a hard time going from work to “out” without that break.

So recently, I have said no to a lot of things that would consume my time after the work day. I have a 6 month-old baby who is at day care all day and the only thing I really truly want to do is hang out with him, my husband and our family. I cherish those few precious hours before it’s suddenly bed time and we’re all half asleep on the couch. Nothing fills my cup more than our time together. So by saying yes to my family and my baby, I have chosen to say no to things I used to agree to do. Has this disappointed anyone? Probably. I struggled with those thoughts and worries for a long while. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to know you have disappointed someone. I hate it. I was recently working on something with friends which ended up asking a lot more of my time than I anticipated, and I ended up being a whole lot less interested in it than I thought I’d be. I did the task that I agreed to do, but I tried very hard not to get guilted into doing other stuff that was extremely time consuming and stressful. It was hard to say no, but I maintained my boundaries and guess what? The show went on without me. I was not nearly as important as I felt like I was, which was frankly a relief. I had convinced myself that I needed to say yes to everything because otherwise, no one else would step up. Turns out, someone else always steps up.

We are not nearly as important as we think sometimes.

Part of why I (and many women) say yes to way too much is because the world tells us to be caretakers and to feel responsible for other people’s feelings. How many times have you gone to an event or volunteered to do something because you didn’t want to disappoint someone? That’s been most of my adult life, doing as I “should.” It’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t have any control over someone else’s disappointment and I accept that I will disappoint people from time to time. If you want to live your life without ever disappointing anyone, then you have to become a YES person and you are going to spend a lot of time and energy trying to make other people happy, rather than living according to your own values. Somebody will always be disappointed about something. That is just life. Because other people’s feelings (almost always!) have nothing to do with us.

Does this mean that I say no to everything that will take time away from my family? Of course not. But it does mean that I think a lot harder before saying yes to invitations. I take a minute and I pause before answering emails and text messages asking me to do something. I ask myself – is this a yes coming from a place of guilt or is this a genuine-I-want-to-do-this yes? When I was single and didn’t have a family, I wanted my calendar to be as full as possible. I was also less established in my career and I felt a constant need to prove myself. I felt so much more obligated to other people, as if by being invited somewhere, I owed it to the person to agree and commit. After all, he or she invited ME. Shouldn’t I be happy? Grateful? I now believe it is possible to be grateful for the opportunity and still decline something. Unlike Robin Arzon, I am not in a position in my life where people are asking me to travel and do speaking engagements, charity events, book signings, etc. But I do belong to a community and I am fortunate to have many friends and family that enrich my life. I am getting more and more comfortable saying no to certain things that don’t work for my life, even with people I care about.

It’s not always easy, but it is definitely necessary so that I can say YES to the people and the things that I absolutely LOVE.