Other People Don’t Get to Decide Who You Are

Many years ago when I was a law student, I worked as an intern. One day the main boss, who I had little contact with, called me in and told me I had no long term future as a lawyer. He didn’t outright fire me, but he told me I should consider quitting. I felt like I was going to pass out. It actually took my breath away in that moment, like if you’ve ever been punched in the stomach and you struggle to breathe. It was an out of body experience for me that still gives me chills. I remember being sad, but also confused because I knew that my work was good, and I had strong performance reviews. I liked my job and I felt proud of myself for balancing work and school simultaneously. Why did this man seem to take such pleasure in crushing my spirit? This is a question that still remains unanswered for me.

I ultimately resigned a short time later because I felt like I had no other choice. This man had made it clear that he did not like me and I was going to be miserable until I left. At 25 years old, I was too scared to challenge him or to recognize that he was pressuring me into quitting. I wrote a letter of resignation, my hands shaking as I typed, and I left it on his desk. I was too scared to even look him in the eye. I don’t know exactly what he said when I left his office, but the vicious gossip train was in full steam. I felt humiliated. I felt ostracized. I felt broken.

That experience has stayed with me and haunted me ever since. I spent years talking about it in therapy. I hate the word trauma because I think it implies that I am somehow a victim. But it was one of the most traumatic, emotional experiences of my life. Was I really as incompetent as he said I was? I felt so much shame it consumed me. I let negative thoughts influence me so deeply that they became my core beliefs. My brain truly believed that I wasn’t good enough to work as a lawyer. Anytime I made a mistake, I told myself that it was evidence that he was right about me. Any success I had in my career had to just be luck and not the result of intellect, hard work and perseverance. This went on for years.

I’m not writing this for your sympathy or even to call this man out. It doesn’t matter who he is. The world is full of people exactly like him who will try to knock you down. Maybe you have met one or two in your life. I am writing this post because I’ve finally reached a place in my life and my career where he doesn’t scare me anymore. I have stopped trying to prove him wrong (he was always wrong about me, anyway). I now focus on proving myself right. After I left that job behind, I achieved a great deal, and I am proud of myself and my career path as a lawyer. I think of him sometimes and I struggle with whether I want to say _____ you or thank you. I won’t ever see him again, but if I did, I’d say thank you.

Thank you for this horrible experience. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be as strong of a lawyer and human being.

To everyone else, please take my advice and don’t you dare ever let someone break your spirit. Don’t give up your dream because one (or ten or twenty) people tell you that you aren’t good enough. They don’t get to decide that! The world is full of successful people who overcame rejection time and again. Walt Disney was once fired and told he lacked imagination. Stephen King’s novel Carrie was rejected dozens of times. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. What if they had listened to their critics and quit pursuing their dreams?

If you know me, you know that one of my favorite movies is Legally Blonde because the heroine of the story reminds me of myself. She isn’t your typical boring attorney, but she succeeds because she remains true to herself. I love that message and I often think of her anytime someone jokes that I am like

Elle. Thank you very much for that amazing compliment! In the movie, her professor is a total creep and just wants to sleep with her which leads her to almost drop out of law school entirely. Luckily for Elle, her female professor (played by the fabulous Holland Taylor) urges her to reconsider. Taylor says to her “If you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you’re not the girl I thought you were.”

I offer that same advice to you, my friends. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are or what you are capable of. It doesn’t matter if you’re a young lawyer/teacher/doctor/etc. just finding your way, or you’ve been working for 20 years. There are always people who will tell you you’re not good enough or you don’t belong. You don’t deserve that promotion. You will never find another job. You don’t have what it takes. If you can find a way to tune out the noise of other people’s b.s., you can replace their voices with your own. To quote another amazing movie, The Help, remind yourself this: “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” They key is to start believing it.