When I was a baby lawyer…
I remember first starting out as a lawyer and trying to find my way. Aside from figuring out how to apply everything I just spent the last three years learning, I remember being particularly worried about how I would be perceived as a young female in a courtroom with far more experienced players, many of whom were men. I felt the urge to appear “tough”, especially with men. I kept my guard up. I was more defensive. My tone was more stern. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was a daffodil with no backbone. In retrospect, I think I compromised my authentic self in order to appear strong for the sake of appearing strong. I remember in my first job (which was sadly unpaid) feeling like I needed to maintain a certain persona that didn’t come natural to me. Now, almost 11 years later, as someone fairly comfortable in my skin, I actually embrace the idea of being a nice person and also a strong person.
Some of the best and brightest attorneys I know are first and foremost nice human beings, and not just when someone is watching. Nice and strong are not mutually exclusive for women any profession, but especially law. In fact, when I deal with another professional who is nice and courteous, I always remember it. Is there really any downside to being nice? Some of the hardest conversations I have are when I disagree with someone else and I know I am not changing my position. Is it possible to still be “nice” and yet also firm in those tense moments? Absolutely. Can you still be nice even in the heat of a trial or in a difficult meeting? I personally think so. And by nice I don’t mean being sugary sweet or accommodating. I am not talking about being a shrinking violet. I just mean being courteous. Not making things personal. Not arguing just to argue. And guess what? Sometimes someone still isn’t going to think you’re being nice enough (this definitely happens more to women) and you’re going to get called a Bitch. Or worse. We have all been there. We have chosen to work in adversarial profession and there are a lot of strong competitive personalities, but being a nice human being is always an asset. If nice comes naturally to you, embrace it and don’t try and be someone you’re not. I know the sketch from Saturday Night Live where either Tina or Amy says “Bitches Get Stuff Done” and I love it. But, just remember that nice people get stuff done, too 😉