A Big Change is Coming - It is my Choice how to Respond

Change is inevitable.  It’s a fact of life.

But that doesn’t mean it is not sometimes terrifying and difficult to face.

I am in the middle of some big changes as my youngest son nears high school graduation and prepares to leave for college.  I am back and forth between feeling fine and this odd panicky feeling.  I know my life is going to change so much in the upcoming months.  All of our lives are going to change.

We are in the middle of all of the “lasts”.  The last band concert, the last PTA meeting, the last school event.  Soon comes senior prom, senior picnic, and graduation.  Such a happy, busy time of year, but also so bittersweet.

I had tears in my eyes at my son’s spring band concert on Tuesday night when his band teacher spoke about the seniors and had each of them stand up.  He got emotional, I got emotional.  I’ve been going to band concerts multiple times a year for 11 years.  Now that I listened to the last song, I’m feeling so nostalgic for all the years where I wasn’t necessarily present.  I did my best to never miss a concert, but if I’m being honest my heart wasn’t always in it.  I was bothered by some them; they were so long or boring or inconvenient.  Some I really enjoyed – I’ve always loved the Sleigh Bells song played at many winter concerts.  All those feelings came back as I clapped for the last time.  All the “lasts”.

I have been defined much of my life as mom.  Both by myself and by others. 

I’ve been the working mom, stay-at-home mom of little ones, the divorced mom, stepmom, the mom of teenage boys, and soon to be the mom of two college young men.  I’ve embraced and loved each of these roles.  Don’t get me wrong, they have all had plenty of challenges, but I love being a mom.

But as your kids get older your role changes.  I am nearing my youngest leaving home for school and my role is changing again and it’s hard to face.  Regardless of how close you are to your children, when they leave for college things change.  The day to day easy contacts and affections disappear, routines change, and schedules open up.  No more school or sports events to fill my time.  No more soccer mom or track mom.  I had my last PTA meeting recently after 17 years of PTA events, meetings, and volunteering.  No more PTA President or PTA events to organize.  I’m really going to miss it all.  It was part of me and part of my life – an important part.

I know how I deal with these changes is my choice.   I can fight the change or make peace with it.

I am working on choosing to embrace this next part of my life.  Some days it is a struggle and I want to go back in time. Other days I think of ways to redefine myself.  I think of all the things I still want to do and to learn in my life. 

I will of course always be mom, it is one of my most important roles, but this year presents a pivotal change for everyone in our family.  I am trying to keep my mind as positive as possible.  I will miss my son terribly, as I do his brother, and I know the quiet house will be tough, but all the changes are positive and exciting for them.  And as moms isn’t what we really want is for our children to be happy and healthy?

So, I am going to do my best to enjoy every one of these “lasts” and stay positive about this new phase in my life.  I’m hoping to hike more and use my free time to work in my garden and with my bees.  Maybe I’ll finally get my camera out and learn how to properly use it. 

I can’t promise there won’t be tears, in fact I pretty much guarantee that I will be crying at graduation and college drop off.  But I am making the choice to embrace these changes and setting aside my own fears and sadness to do my best to enjoy this time with my son and my family. 

So if you see me around give me a smile and wish me well, just ignore any sniffling you may hear, I will be just fine.

My boys at U Maryland