Tackling the College Application Process with the Reticent Teen

My youngest son is a junior in high school.  For those of you who have been through the process you already know we are entering the long and stressful college application time period.

It seems crazy that the process starts so early when he is still only a junior, but there is research, and SAT’s, and college visits to fit in.  Not to mention the applications, essays, and short answer questions to finish before next November rolls around.  And don’t forget FAFSA, financial aid forms, and scholarship applications and essays.  The checklist is long!

I’ve already been through this process once with my oldest son.  I freely admit the first time around was a breeze based on his personality and organizational skills.  He took control and remained mostly on target with minimal reminding.

This time around is not going to be as easy. 

Motivation

I have tried on several occasions to start the discussion with my son about where he may want to go to college.  This is about as far as we get every time:

Me:  So, what are you thinking about for schools?  We can visit wherever you want to go.  I’m happy to help with the research.

16 yo: I haven’t really thought about it.

Me:  Well, we should start at least talking about it.  Do you want a large school?  A small school?

16 yo:  maybe mid-size.

Me:  Are you thinking urban?  Rural?  Somewhere in between?

16 yo:  maybe somewhere in between

And on and on from there.  You get the idea. 

On our last car ride, I made sure to ask whether or not he even wanted to go to college.  At least that answer was a definitive yes.

But, beyond that I get nothing other than the comment that it’s a lot of work to think about college.  I really can’t disagree with him.

The college application process

The process has always been daunting.  I remember feeling overwhelmed years ago and while in some ways it has become easier, in others it has only become more complex.

One thing that has become easier is the universal application.  If you are my age, you may remember filling out (typing!) in every application separately on the school’s application and then carefully putting together the packet to mail in by the deadline. 

Now, most schools use the universal application with one basic essay.  This generally isn’t it though.

But wait there’s more - depending on where you apply, there may be additional applications that come with their own essays or short answer questions.  My oldest son ended up writing 31 total essays, 300 to 200-word mini answers, and short answer questions before he was done applying to only 5 colleges, their Honors programs, and scholarship applications.  31 total writing assignments!  No wonder Nicholas is dragging his feet after witnessing all the work that his brother put into the process.

We are also very different in our organization styles.  I am very organized and am not a procrastinator.  My boys often struggle to avoid procrastination.  I often tell them that  I was the one in college who had the paper finished for Monday by Friday, this way I could enjoy my weekend with no stress.  That always got a side eye from both of them, but now that Matthew is in college I think he appreciates this much more.   Nicholas is not quite there yet.

Baby steps

Every few weeks I bring up the topic of college and ask if he’s given it any thought.  Generally, I get the same answer of a blanket no.  I’m trying to resist nagging to at least get him to the “thinking about, thinking about it” stage.

A tough part of being a parent is that you can guide and give advice, but you can’t (and shouldn’t!) do these things for your kids.  There are powerful life lessons in the research, organization, and application process that will most certainly apply to other parts of his life down the road.

It’s also important to remember that our kids do not know how to do everything.  We’ve been there, done that, but they have not.  I want to assist him in what he doesn’t know how to do while letting him take the lead.  My role is to help him when he needs it but to let him do the work.

This is where the breakdown is right now.  He doesn’t want to even get started, much less take the lead.

So, my plan is to ask questions and gently push him along, while trying my best not to nag.

In the meantime, I will continue my deep breathing practice, try not to watch the calendar too much, and remain ever hopeful that sometime soon he will have answers to at least a few of my questions.