Letting go : The College Years

I dropped my oldest son off to college this week and my mama heart aches.

If you have been on Facebook at all in the past few weeks, you’ve probably seen this phenomenon replayed over and over with your friends.  I have always liked the pictures in the past and wished them luck, but when it is your own child it is so clearly different.

My son is actually starting his sophomore year at University of Maryland next week.  He had a wonderful first year and was home with us all summer working at an internship.  We travelled and we got to spend a good amount of time together, in between the time he spent with his friends, work, father, and girlfriend.

Leaving him at his freshman dorm last year was tough.  In the weeks leading up to his departure, I kept busy with planning and organizing.  But after everything was moved in and we all stood outside his high-rise dorm together, there were definitely tears shed by everyone.  I’ll never forget the fierce hug my son gave me right before I left.   If I hadn’t already been crying that would have done me in.  I know he was feeling nervous and excited and likely a little scared too.  The mama instinct was to bundle him back up in the car and take him back home, but instead I had to smile and drive away.  You have to let them go. 

This stuff is really hard.  But this what we’ve been working towards for years isn’t it?  All of those book reports, school projects and science fair poster boards bring you to this moment.

I can promise you that knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier.  Your baby is leaving home.  All of a sudden 18 years doesn’t seem like a long time at all.

Also, when your child leaves for college the mama worry doesn’t stop, it just gets bigger.  There are so many new situations to worry about in the big, bad world. Everything from what if they don’t make friends to what if something bad happens to them at a party/on the bus/on campus?  It can be a scary world out there.

The best you can do is make sure you prepare your child.  This meant many conversations with my son about alcohol and partying.  I shared with him some of my experiences so he knew that I knew what I was talking about – I even told him about drinking “jungle juice” out of trashcans in fraternity basements (what was I thinking??).  But I also listened to him.   I told me what he was nervous and scared about and we talked a lot.

But as I drove away last year all I could think was, did I impress upon him enough how important it was to be aware of his surroundings?  To not give in to the peer pressure to drink excessively (this is especially terrifying to me)?  To make sure he takes care of his friends too?  In the end you have to trust that you have given them the tools to make the right choices and to resist the peer pressure.  This is scary.

Also any illusion you may have had of control is pretty much gone when you drive away.  Sure, you are paying for school and maybe their cell phone still, and in most places with permission you can look at their grades.  But the day to day becomes even more of a mystery.  I was happy last year that my son was very willing to text me on a regular basis.  I remember back to my parents who were lucky to get one phone call a week from me – so different now with cell phones and facetime.

I made the choice not to check my son’s grades like I did in middle and high school.  I took that step back and instead talked to him about how he was doing and he shared his grades with me.  I didn’t even look at his final report card, but was very happy to receive the email and letter about the Dean’s list.  I know not everyone can do this, but it helped both of us to give him that privacy.

I also am lucky that my son chose a school that is just over an hour away from our home.  This distance makes it easy to visit for a soccer game and dinner on a random weekend.  I feel it would be so much harder if he went further away like so many other people’s kids I know.  I am hopeful the decision is a good one for all of them and they flourish at their chosen schools. Selfishly I’m happy my son is closer.

Sophomore year feels different

This year my son moved into an apartment with three good friends.  I wanted on-campus housing, but that didn’t work out for a variety of reasons.  We spent time talking about the differences of living in an apartment and worked on getting everything together he would need.  I wanted him to be prepared and comfortable, but even with lots of nudging (and ok, maybe nagging) the four boys were slow to make lists of what they needed.  I had to keep reminding myself they’d be fine if they didn’t have everything they needed – Target is close by and Amazon takes only a few clicks.  They can live without a dish drainer.

 I just feel such a strong need to help and make sure he is settled and that he is comfortable and safe.  I have to keep fighting this need so I don’t smother him.

This year feels different and, in several ways, harder for me.  Don’t get me wrong, last year was tough.  I won’t deny that several times I went into his empty room and sat on his bed and thought about him as a little boy - when he was smaller than me and wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went and snuggle next to me on the couch.

My son now has his own apartment and it’s been tough to think that he may not be living at home much longer.  This past summer may be the last I have with him home, sleeping in the bed he’s had since he was little.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crying as a type this.

But, I know this is just another part of life.  We raise our children to be independent and strong, so that one day they can leave us and become productive adults.  This year is another step for my son towards that goal.   I couldn’t be prouder of him.  I want him to have all the experiences and yes, to take those steps away from home.   Just like this is a normal part of his growth, it is a normal part of being a parent.  We have to let them go.

So, if you are in the same place in life where I am, know that you’ve done your best and you have raised a strong, smart and independent adult (or at least they are well on their way!).  Pat yourself on the back.  Your child still needs you for so many things, but it is also time to step back and let them flourish.  Not easy I know.

If you are not there yet, know that 18 years flies by even though it often seems like the days tick on forever.  Soon enough you will be packing up your own child and hugging them outside their dorm or apartment.  Or maybe sending them off to boot camp or wherever their life story will take them.

Please remember to check in with your friends whose kids have just moved out and give them an extra hug when you see them.  This mom gig has so many perks, but boy can it also be tough at times.   I know I could use that extra hug, I’m sure many of you could too. 

Stay strong mamas, we’ve got this. And Go Terps!