Stepmom: A much harder job than I imagined

I met my step children over 13 years ago.

Going in, I pictured a lovely relationship with both my stepchildren and their mother.  I envisioned that their mom and I would be friends and text and talk about issues with the kids.  I believed she would welcome me as another parent for her children.  I thought we could have coffee together and talk about parenting.  I was very naïve.

But, we’ve all seen those movies, right?  I actually know people who have this type of relationship, so I know I wasn’t completely bonkers.

I also thought my step-kids and I would be super close and spend time together.  I really bought into the second mom idea.  

In reality, it was all so much harder than I thought it would be.  Unfortunately, I learned pretty quickly that my picture, in my circumstance, wasn’t realistic.  I have had to pivot and rework my role many times through the years.  

Step-mommying

I met my second husband when his kids were 7 and 9 and mine were 2 and 5.   We were both separated and going through divorces.  We were very cautious about our relationship, both having been seriously burned in our marriages.  We waited six months to introduce our kids to each other and to start to do things together.  We wanted to make sure that our relationship was headed in a serious direction.

Through the years, we’ve talked and talked about how we would handle things.  We have usually been on the same page.  As things progressed, we agreed that we wanted to share parenting and discipline and act as a family.  I know this method doesn’t work for everyone, but we wanted to try to make it work for us.

But we all know that kids and ex’s have their own agendas.  Everyone seems to have their own idea about how things should work. Or shouldn’t work. 

I didn’t anticipate an ex-wife that would not want to talk to me about important issues with the kids.  Or the continued fighting and sniping between my boyfriend (now husband) and his ex.  My hope for any kind of friendship was dashed pretty early on.  I quickly realized this was going to be much harder than I thought.

My stepdaughter was particularly challenging in the beginning and everyone advised me to just keep trying with her.  She was very protective of both her dad and her mom.  We knew that it had to be super hard for them, especially because there was so much visible animosity between their parents.  I was the interloper, no matter how nice I was or how much I tried.  Clearly, I wasn’t her mom (nor was I trying to be!) and little girls are so loyal to their moms.  Everyone kept assuring me that she would come around.  Ultimately she let me in in her own way and with her own conditions. I am grateful now that she is an adult that she does share parts of her life with me. 

My stepson was easier in the beginning, he’s always been so open to loving me and accepting me.

My husband and I tried blending our families slowly.  They all moved into what was my house about 3 years into our relationship and we didn’t get married for another 4 years.

Honestly, our end goal was for the Brady bunch but with 4 kids.  I envisioned our kids being close friends and brothers/sisters and having a lifelong relationship.   But if I’ve learned one thing in my life, it is that things don’t always work out the way you envision and that you can’t control everything despite your best efforts.

You have to be flexible and allow your vision to morph.  Not easy AT ALL.

Growing up family

The 6 of us did everything together on our weekends – camping, hiking, big family trips every summer, and created so many holiday traditions.  We made so many memories and had lots of good times as a family.

We worked out a schedule so we had all 4 kids on alternate weekends.  Every other weekend in our house was happy chaos.

hiking adventure

I taught my stepchildren how to drive.  I worked on their school projects with them, spending hours on science fair projects, quizzing for biology tests, I made them Halloween costumes and birthday cakes.  I wanted our family to be one big happy, blended family.  And so often we were.

But, then there were times like the 5th grade project that quickly reminded me that my vision was not going to come true.  I spent literally months with my stepdaughter working on a long-term, multi-faceted extracurricular project she came to me and said she wanted to do.  I embraced it because she asked for my help.   I felt like this was huge progress and totally in my wheelhouse. We watched movies together, did projects, read books and discussed them all for weeks and weeks.  We finished the project and she was so proud of herself and excited for the banquet that she got to attend to celebrate the accomplishment.  I was so proud of all her hard work and that she stuck with her commitment.  Then her mother asked if SHE could go to the banquet instead of me.  Ouch.  

I kept on trying though, as did my husband.  He was always more fully embraced by my boys, in fact they call him their second dad which I love.  And I know this means the world to him.

I had so hoped for this type of relationship with my step-kids.  But often, we have to be happy with what we can get, even if it’s not what we originally may have wanted.  We need to change our expectations.

all together

This is not easy of course.  I’ve struggled with this effort through the years and continue to struggle as my step-kids become adults and we try to figure out our new relationship.

Do I regret all of the effort I put in to try to make us a cohesive family?  I’d be lying if I said I never did.  It was a tremendous amount of work for me, but then I remember all the wonderful times we spent as a family- the games nights, the RV trips to the beach, and all of the laughter. So much laughter.

Our blended family may not be what I had envisioned it would be all those years ago, but it is MY blended family and I LOVE everyone in it.