Whoa mama, make sure you take care of yourself too!

I follow a few different mom’s groups on Facebook and read a post this week that made me stop, re-read, and then respond.  The mom was venting how stressed she was as a single mom with budgeting and taking her kids on their annual trip to Disney.  She commented how she was feeling overwhelmed with money issues and budgeting and had stopped doing anything for herself.  Anything at all, including taking care of herself.

 I could feel her level of stress just from reading her post. 

She wanted to know if this was normal.  And so many people responded that yes it was, that they were stressed too.  And that they had put themselves aside too.  The predominant response was that it was imperative to do everything for your kids and that basically it was a mom’s job to just suck it up and suffer. 

What?!?!

Is it normal to worry you are doing the best for your kids? Yes

Is it OK to stop taking care of yourself?  NO

I felt the need to respond that it was imperative that she take care of herself and that the kids would love just spending time with her without the expense of a Disney trip if it wasn’t in the budget that year.

Another mom’s comment really resonated and said this was an example of FOMO (“Fear of Missing Out”) and that her kids really just need her to be healthy and happy.

Being a mom comes with so much pressure from everywhere, but some of the worst pressure come from within.  You want your kids to have the best of everything and to have every experience you can possibly provide for them.  This is so much pressure.  SO MUCH.

And society just reinforces that feeling.

What’s going on here?

We all know the feeling that other people are having more fun than we are or that their lives are more interesting.  Social media has made this so much worse because now we can see the carefully selected pieces of other people’s lives that they want us to see.  And sometimes it just looks like so much more fun than we’re having.  Other parents seem to have it together so much better than we do. 

We feel guilty if our baby doesn’t have the monthly pictures in a cute onesie or hold a blackboard sign with the school year on the first day of school (and don’t forget the last day too!).  Or if our kids’ lunches aren’t perfect in a bento box with a cute note every day.  Or if our kids don’t get every experience possible – club teams, summer camps, travel, on and on.  Even if these things come at the detriment to our mental wellbeing or are a financial hardship; even if they cause us to not have a life of our own outside of being a parent.

This is where Disney comes in.  To many it’s the holy grail of parenting and is a must do.  Now I’ve been to Disneyland and Disneyworld both as a child and as an adult.  I am NOT anti-Disney at all.  I love Mickey as much as the next person.

But I am anti-pressure to meet an arbitrary standard that can cause financial hardship or mental distress of any kind.

My parents lived in Riverside, California when I was little which is where Disneyland is located.  Since we lived so close we went frequently when people would visit.  I was little, but do remember trips to Disneyland very fondly.

When I was older I visited Disneyworld as an adult when my parents were staying close by.  I do see the allure of Disney.  It is the “Magic Kingdom” after all!  I enjoyed my visits there, but I never took my kids.

My current husband and I talked about it until we saw the cost -it is hugely expensive.   We decided the money was better spent elsewhere and we could easily take all 6 of us on a trip for much less.  We took different, more affordable trips every year and always had a great time and made great memories together.

All of this of course doesn’t really have anything to do with Disney per se.  It really applies to anything we feel obligated to do, despite the cost financially or mentally, to make sure we are giving our kids the right “experiences”.

We need to put less pressure on ourselves

Being a mom is tough. There are so many expectations on you – and they come from everywhere. Both outside and within.

I’m watching “Stranger Things” (love it!) with my boys and find myself constantly saying “that’s how it was in the 80’s”.  They are amazed that the kids just leave the house and the parents don’t know where they are going or that they don’t have structured activities.  I don’t think parents put so much pressure on themselves and with the lack of social media they weren’t capable of so much comparison.  And guess what?  Most of us turned out just fine. 

But since that time a major shift has happened where moms especially, are pressured to do so much more for their children, often to their own detriment.

When did it become frowned upon for a mom to take time for herself and set up a workout routine or go out with friends?  Our kids will benefit from healthier, calmer parents.  And don’t we want them to grow up learning healthy habits from us?  I’ve always felt healthy modeling was imperative.

We had 4 kids in our house on and off for many years.  Both my husband and I are divorced and set up our custody schedules to match – we were lucky because we had matching “child-free” weekends.  But every other weekend all 4 kids were home.  It was busy.  We worked very hard to teach our kids that parents have lives too.  And that this is important.

My kids have always seen me around my friends and setting aside time for myself and my hobbies.  They know that exercise is a priority in my life and respect that and have made it a priority in theirs as well.  I didn’t go to every single one of their games or practices because sometimes I had a race or other obligation and they learned to be Ok with this too.

Don’t get me wrong, I still felt the pressure to take the perfect photos.   

 I do have first and last day of school photos from every year and admit to still feeling guilty for not having the blackboard.  I spent a lot of time making the perfect birthday cakes and working on the popular crafts.  I did feel guilty missing games to do things, but made myself do it.  I worked very hard to find the balance.  Was I successful every time?  Absolutely not.  But I did always think it was important to all of us that I try.

Balance is key

Balance and moderation are key to most things in life.  Both can be applied to parenting as well.  I know there are parents out there who will disagree with me and believe that their children should come first always.  And that part of being a parent is giving up other parts of your life.

We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.

I don’t believe it’s healthy for a mom OR for the children for us to totally give up ourselves.  Of course, there are stages in our children’s lives when they need us more, but even during those times it is important for us to not lose ourselves and have our primary identity only be “mom”.  We need balance or we will end up burned out and it will be so much more difficult for us to let our children go when the time comes for them to leave the nest.  Because isn’t that really the end goal?

So, make time for yourself on a regular basis.  Don’t skip that manicure if that’s what you enjoy.  Make sure to get your haircut or go for that walk with your friend.  Start that exercise routine you’ve been putting off – what better way to teach your 2-year-old (or 6 or 10 or 15-year-old) healthy habits.

Try not to let yourself get swallowed whole into the huge job that is being a “mommy”.  It’s so easy to let it happen.

Remember that your mental health and happiness is so important.  Trust me, your child will have much fonder memories of a happy, healthy, smiling mom than they will visiting Mickey.

Kids joining us in a race