Coparenting When One Parent Doesn’t Participate

Divorce is not something you plan on happening, nor do you wish for it in the heady days of when you are in love.  But it happens.  And unfortunately, it happened to me when my kids were very little.  My youngest was only 14 months old when I separated from my ex-husband.

Now, while divorce isn’t planned it doesn’t always have to be difficult, although unfortunately it very often ends up that way.  Emotions are so high on both sides that you end up fighting about everything -even if you promise yourself you won’t fight over that vacuum or that couch.  If you divorced without this, kudos to you, I’m jealous.

If you have kids, things can be even tougher.

I tried so hard to keep things as normal as possible for my children, but that’s not so easy when one parent moves out.  There is so much upheaval for everyone.

Where I live, they require mediation which was useless.  Again, because emotions are so high. 

We also were required to take a co-parenting class by the court.  We didn’t go to this together, but instead went for a few hours to listen to someone talk about how it’s better for the kids for parents to get along and some tips on how to do this.  What’s missing in the class is actually teaching divorcing parents how to work together for the children.  Or what to do when one parent won’t participate.

Likely many people wouldn’t be getting a divorce if they knew this skill!

Needless to say, this didn’t work in my family, and it has made this road all the tougher.

History

Parents, married or not, have history together be it good or bad.  Many are stuck in the roles they played during the marriage and it’s really hard to break old habits.  I was a stay-at-home mom when we separated, so I spent much more time with my boys than their father did since he had a very busy job outside of the home.  I handled all of the medical appointments, school assignments, play dates, and much more.

One recommendation we tried was a logbook of sorts.  The purpose is to pass a book back and forth with updates on what the kids were doing to reduce the amount of contact.  This book lasted awhile, although most of what was written was by me.  I found it a few weeks ago when I was cleaning out and it brought back some painful memories, but I also smiled at the milestones I wrote about for my boy’s father to read.  Same for the notes he wrote down.  I kept the book.

After our divorce there was some communication, but most of it was not pleasant.  It was highly stressful.  But I tried so hard to keep their dad informed on school events and happenings in their lives when they were with me.  I felt this was very important for them.

The end

My ex loves soccer.  And when I mean loves soccer, I mean he really loves soccer.

Now both my boys love soccer as well and I have always supported and encouraged their playing from kindergarten on through high school.  But long story short, my youngest played club soccer for a while and wasn’t enjoying himself.  He wanted to quit.  I supported this decision. This resulted in a huge fight via email, but I was not going to back down if that was my son’s choice.

This was a turning point in our already difficult co-parenting relationship.

My ex agreed to go to a few counseling sessions.  I thought they might help us communicate better, but that didn’t work at all as I had hoped.  In fact, they signaled a complete decline in our coparenting.

This was almost 7 years ago, and my ex continues to barely speak to me and ignores most of my contacts.  You can imagine how this makes coparenting virtually impossible.  And unfortunately makes my kids the go-between.  This has always been especially painful for me as it goes against every bit of advice I have ever gotten about raising children of divorce.

Current situation

Anyone who has coparented understands it can be tough, but when dealing with a parent who refuses to speak with you or even frankly acknowledge that you exist, it makes things even tougher.

We went years where my ex would not even say hello to me in public. He would act as if he did not know me and walk by without saying anything.  This was particularly tough when the kids were around. They didn’t understand- how could they? I promised myself years ago I would never apologize for his behavior which was out of my control, but it was not always easy talking to my kids about this lack of respect.  I continue to say hello and goodbye, even though I am usually ignored.  I have tried to set a good example.

Making joint decisions has also been challenging as I rarely get a response to emails or texts, even when we need to make a co-parenting decision.  I handled this by telling him years ago that if I do not hear back from him within 3 days, I was going to make the assumption that he agreed with whatever I suggested.  This is how I have handled many of our coparenting decisions.  Not ideal at all, but sometimes you are forced to improvise and adapt.

If you are divorced and have managed to maintain a coparenting relationship kudos to you.  I know people who have healthy parenting relationships with exes so I know it can happen.  I look at those relationships and am frankly jealous.  It is so much better for the kids involved and so much less stress for everyone.

But just like in any relationship, it takes two to make a healthy coparenting relationship.  If one parent will not participate it makes for a difficult road. 

As my boys have gotten older the decisions are still coming – college, cars, and jobs to name a few.  I am lucky to have two boys who are willing to talk things through with me, seek out, and truly appreciate my input.  I have worked on the importance of communication with them their entire lives.  They witness the difficulties a lack of communication can cause and work on avoiding them.  I am so proud of them.

While I would have loved a healthy, productive coparenting relationship, sometimes we are forced to make the best of our given situation.  One of my favorite quotes is “you cannot control other people’s actions; you can only control your own reactions.”.  Living this is not always easy, but I try every day and looking at my boys, I think I have been pretty successful.