Let’s leave the Mean Girls to the movies

You’ve seen Mean Girls, right?

Remember the scene where Cady is told what day of the week she is allowed wear pink or where she can sit in the cafeteria?

Great movie of course (if you haven’t seen it, watch it!) and clearly an exaggeration...but don’t we all know people who have acted exclusionary like this at some point in our lives? 

The movie is based in high school but I know many of us have experiences with “mean girls” or cliques throughout our entire lives – be it in PTA or at work or a mom’s group.  They may not tell others what to wear or make up phrases like “you’re so fetch” or have nicknames like “the plastics”, but they do exclude and maybe even do hurtful things.

If you read articles about women’s behavior, you may read that often these actions are due to a lack of self confidence of some in the group.  But, somehow that just feels like an excuse.  It feels like that should apply more to teenagers because as adult women, don’t you think we really should know better?

I think we can all agree that we would all be so much stronger and happier if we stood together and supported each other.

And yes, I know I’m not perfect, I am sure I have been guilty of exclusion in my life, especially when I was younger and naturally more self-centered.  I think maybe we’ve all done it at some point unintentionally.  But that’s not what I’m talking about here. 

Clique -noun

a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.

 The first part of the definition sounds like any friend group, but it is the second part that makes a clique stand apart.  That’s what makes it exclusionary.

Watching (and supporting) from outside

Years ago, while working in an office, I had a younger coworker and she and I became very close.  We became good friends and she confided in me that she was feeling excluded by a number of the other women in the office who were closer to her age.  They would not include her in office lunches or other outside activities and she felt as if they were talking about her frequently.  She wasn’t wrong.  The exclusion was obvious.  We could never figure out why and spent way too much time analyzing the situation.  

Then my dear friend got very ill and there was a change.  All the sudden women who wouldn’t include her before wanted to plan events for her.  My friend fought through the bitterness and was amazingly gracious.  I always loved and admired this about her.

I believe the major shift was done out of guilt.  It really only served to make the other women feel better, not my friend.  She understood what was going on.

I frequently wonder if there was something I could have done as her friend, maybe I should have stood up for her.  Being at work made everything so awkward and somehow so much more difficult.   I do still regret not trying.

PTA ladies

When my boys were in elementary school I decided I wanted to get more involved and joined the school PTA.  A common complaint I heard then and continued to hear for many more years was how exclusionary the PTA could be to some moms. 

Let’s go back to the movies, have you seen Bad Moms?  In this movie, the PTA, led by an amazing Christina Applegate, rules the school with an iron fist.  They hold “emergency meetings” during the day and dictate what can and can’t be brought to the school bake sale - no high fructose corn syrup at their school! 

So ridiculous!   Such an exaggeration …maybe?

But this is literally some people’s idea (and maybe reality) of what the PTA is – militant moms on a mission.  Basically, the exact opposite of what it is supposed to be.

I’ll never forget going to the first few meetings where a group of moms on the board basically conducted the whole meeting by themselves.  They rarely tried to include the few other moms (and 1 or 2 dads) who ventured into the meeting.  I tentatively tried to break in a few times, but did NOT feel welcome. 

I can easily see how people can give up in the face of what appears to be a clique.  It seems insurmountable and not worth it.   I only saw a few of the moms one time.   They never ventured back because they did not feel welcome.  Who wants to go where you feel people don’t want you?

 This type of clique felt a little different to me though.  I didn’t get the impression it was targeted exclusion, more “we can handle this ourselves and don’t need anyone else” exclusion.  They do have the exact same effect though – leaving people out.  And causing people who might have great ideas and positive energy to feel discouraged and quit.

I stuck with it though and have been involved with PTA ever since that very rocky start.  I don’t regret pushing through – PTA can be very rewarding.

Office shenanigans

I’ve had the experience of working in an office with a large number of women and inevitably there is exclusion, drama and interpersonal issues.

 I am certainly not suggesting that I expect everyone to always get along and become great friends – although wouldn’t that be lovely and reduce so much stress?  My concerns were with the snarky comments between coworkers that shut down any discussion, eye rolling while other women spoke in meetings and outright exclusion.  Many times, I would be sitting in my office hearing “who else should we invite to lunch” and being excluded as not part of the clique.  I’m amazed that this hurts just as much as an adult as it did as a teenager.  No one wants to feel left out.

Some of this comes down to common courtesy - there is the basic lesson that you don’t discuss a party in front of people you are not inviting.  Sometimes it’s just not being aware or concerned that your actions affect other people.   And sometimes I think it comes from being an unhappy person and allowing that to affect your interactions with others.

It also creates a toxic working environment.  An environment where women feel unsupported, unheard and excluded.  And no one wants that.  Cliques in the workplace are the opposite of team-building.

  Words and actions DO matter.

Sometimes women really are our own worst enemies.  We should be building each other up and supporting ideas, not joining forces trying to make others feel bad for speaking up or for being different.

My hope is that we can all just be a little more thoughtful in our actions and words.  

That we think a little bit more about how our actions affect others. 

And that we remember we are stronger when we stand together and support one another then when we try to tear each other down. 

Let’s all try to leave the Mean Girls and the cliques to the movies.