A Season for all friendships

Facebook says I have 1,577 friends. I think I really have about 5.

Over the years, the meaning of friends and friendship has evolved. There are friends on social media, friends at work, and then there’s my close friends. Some people fall into multiple groups or none at all. There isn’t one big group I belong to and in fact, almost none of my girlfriends know one another except through me.

Unlike my past romantic relationships which all came to a clear ending, my female friendships have ebbed and flowed over the years. I believe that there are seasons for certain friendships to be in full bloom and seasons for them to go dormant.

Friendships remind me so much of plants and flowers. There have been friendships that faded away naturally after completing their purpose. These are my annuals. There are others that have stood the test of time and require little maintenance. I can count on them and they are predictable and stable. These are my succulents. They are my core group. There are friends for various stages of my life and while some friends have come and gone, I am grateful for every single one as each is unique.

There are friends I wish were still in my life, but for various reasons, we’ve become strangers. We watch one another from afar (thanks to social media) clicking “like” on each other’s photos and celebrating each other’s milestones as much as anyone can from behind a screen. But we don’t connect in the real world. When I reflect on my friendships over the years, I’d like to say that I have no regrets and that every friendship that ended did so for a good reason. But the truth is that I do wish certain friendships had gone differently.

This entry is dedicated to two different female friendships that have gotten lost along the way.

D.

I met D in college and while we were very different, we hit it off right away. We grew up in the same town, yet she attended a religious private school, so we didn’t meet until we were both at the University of Maryland. We became roommates through a mutual friend and found ourselves spending every minute together. She was beautiful in an exotic way with long curly dark hair. She had a natural tan and a great sense of style. She wore perfectly blended eyeliner, smoked cigarettes and displayed amazing confidence around older guys. I envied her style. She was outgoing, uninhibited and always ready to go out to the bars and have fun. I tagged along, feeling cool by association, but I was anything of the sort.

She and I used to cruise around campus in her sporty Volvo and blare music. I remember all the windows down in her car like it was yesterday. So where did it go wrong? One day I found myself gossiping about her over instant messenger. I don’t know who I was talking to or what exactly I said, but it was hurtful and downright mean. I left my laptop open and she saw my undeniable words when I wasn’t home. I remember trying to apologize, but it was a bell I could not un-ring. I look back on that apology now and how insincere I am sure it was. I had no concept at twenty years old how powerful my words were. We continued to live together after that, but we were never close again. I could see it in her eyes that she could not forgive me. She moved out at the end of the year and we lost touch after college.

I have tried to reconnect with her over the years, but the friendship has never rekindled. I’ve always felt shameful about my actions and promised never to treat someone so carelessly again. I have kept that promise to myself. I don’t blame her for not wanting to be my friend again, even after all these years. We lead different lives and we don’t even know each other anymore. I stumbled upon her Facebook page awhile back. She remains as beautiful as I remember and she looked genuinely happy. I still wonder how our friendship would have evolved over the years had I not hurt her so deeply. Does she ever think of me? Her memory has stayed with me and I think of her from time to time when I hear a certain song come on the radio or when I pass by the store in the mall where she worked in college.

The end of that friendship was a tough lesson to learn, but I am far more careful with people now. I cherish my relationships and I choose my words wisely because I know they can’t be unsaid. A relationship may be strong, but some of the best ones are fragile. I recognize now that I was insecure and probably very jealous of her. I believe those two emotions are why many women are so unkind to one another. Instead of admiring her and celebrating our differences, I tried to tear her down to deflect my own insecurities.

I don’t regret a lot of decisions in my life, but I absolutely regret hurting her. I wish I didn’t earn such a valuable lesson at the expense of our friendship.

D, wherever you are, I am truly sorry I hurt you.

H.

We were unlikely roommates. She was barely 20 and I was in my early 30s. I was just out of a long-term relationship and looking to save money by renting a townhouse with roommates. She was already living on her own, working full time as a nanny and considering applying to nursing school. We connected instantly and to this day she remains one of my favorite people. Her strong personality and self-sufficiency at her age were unlike anyone I had ever met. I think she was better prepared for adulthood than I was.

I was living with her when I met my husband, but about a year into dating, I moved in with him and we got engaged. My relationship with her changed almost overnight. Sort of like how crisp fall air just one day becomes frigid and the trees suddenly look naked. To this day I don’t know why it happened, but I felt ghosted. What had I done? Did I abandon her?

There were so many exciting things happening in my life; getting engaged and marrying Beau, buying our house and getting pregnant with my son. I wanted so much for her to be there with me through it all, but it didn’t go that way. I tried to include her, but she had disappeared. We didn’t have an argument. She was just gone. And the weeks turned into months and she started to fade in my mind, but never entirely. I missed her very much. We used to jokingly call each other “wife” and pack each other lunch. Despite our huge age difference, we shared such a special bond. We had seen one another at our worst moments and some of our best. I continued to think good thoughts about her even though I felt hurt by her absence. I knew from social media that she was working full time and had a serious boyfriend. I felt genuinely happy for her, but sad that she was missing from my life.

I was just two weeks into being a new mom when she suddenly reached back out at what seemed like the perfect time. As a nurse, she had so much experience with babies and she knew exactly how to help. When she saw how much I was struggling emotionally and physically, she came right over and took care of me. She taught me how to swaddle a baby, how to properly put on a diaper and most importantly how to take care of myself in one of the hardest weeks of my life. She took one look at my sleep deprived, milk-soaked, disheveled self and swooped in like my fairy godmother and helped me put myself back together. She made me shower and get out of my dirty clothes (it sounds silly I know, but if you’ve ever been a new mom, sometimes you don’t allow yourself time for this, especially the first week). Seeing her hold my son, wrap him in a blanket and sleep in her arms was wonderful. It was as if no time had passed and we were back in our townhouse together. Did this mean I was going to see her regularly again just like old times? I missed her and I know I had room for her in my life, but did she have room for me?

I recognize we are in different stages of life and we aren’t ever going to be roommates again. That was a very unique time in both of our lives. When she reached back out to me, I could have written her off entirely and held a grudge for her ghosting me. I could have demanded an explanation. But what did it really matter at this point? There she was right when I needed her the most, wiping away my tears and taking care of my son.

There are people who I am much closer with who would not show up for me like she did.

These are two stories of different friendships that didn’t go the way I intended. With D, I own my mistakes. I am the reason that college was the one and only chapter in our story. However, with H, I’ve learned chapters may end, but the book continues, and characters can evolve and even reappear. Not everyone is meant to be a central character in the story. There are people I talk to almost every day and then there are people like H who I don’t see for months and the communication is infrequent, but always meaningful. Each person adds something different to my life.

Friendships are very much like the plants and flowers I described above; there’s a season for each one and even those that seem to die off too soon are still beautiful.

photo credit: www.mattbeard.com