“I’m good enough, I’m Smart Enough and Doggone it, People Like Me.”

Be kind to yourself. 

This seems like such a simple statement, but I know for many people this is actually very hard.  We can easily be our own worst enemy.

I wrote recently about several truths I discovered during the process of leaving a long-term job.  I think they are so important I wanted to talk about them more.

Negative Self-talk

Negative self-talk floats around my head more than I like to admit and I consider myself a pretty positive person.  But it’s still there.  Often.

I have heard so much from other women about the thoughts they fight on a daily basis, it’s heartbreaking.

It goes something like this…if only we tried harder or had better self-control we could be thin/stay thin or our butt would be smaller/tighter/higher or whatever body part you currently hate would be the way you wanted it. 

If I didn’t have stretch marks or loose skin, my clothes would fit better and I’d be happier.

Why am I such a failure at sticking to my exercise plan/resolutions/diet?  If only I could lose those last 5/10 pounds.

Why am I not a stronger person who can say No?

If only I were this or that, everything would be better.

          Why do we feel the need to be so hard on ourselves ALL the time? 

I’ve read that we put so much pressure on ourselves about our appearance because of the “perfection” we see in movies and magazines.  Maybe this is true.

And certainly, social media doesn’t help with its presentation of perfection and encouragement of filters.  We are afraid to show that we age or that we have a bad hair day.   We delete the “not perfect” pictures.  And if we admit it, we all have a “good side” - I know I always tilt my head in pictures because I think it “looks better”.

We are afraid to be human. 

How did this happen?  And what can we do about it?

So many of these thoughts are about our personal appearance but some are also about our ability to do our jobs or be a good mom/partner/friend/athlete or even person.  We are so hard on ourselves that we get in our own way.

Let me be clear here, I’m not talking about the healthy dose of nerves that come with trying something new.  That can make us try harder or strive to better ourselves.  It presents us with a challenge.  Can I really do this?  Can I run the marathon?  Can I get the promotion?

I’m also definitely not suggesting that we give up on our goals – whether the goal is weight loss and physical fitness or being a better friend or getting a better paying job.  I’m suggesting being realistic and kind to ourselves will allow us to achieve our goals in a healthier and happier way.  We don’t want to be frozen because of our own self-doubt and self-defeating talk.

Imposter Syndrome

A popular term right now is “imposter syndrome” – basically a feeling that you are not as competent as others believe you to be, usually in a work environment.   But this can certainly apply to moms, caretakers, PTA leaders; really anywhere in life.

Here’s an example - How many of us run/jog but would never call ourselves “runners” because we don’t have a “runner’s body” or run “fast” enough? (hand raised!) In my case, I have caught myself so many times saying I “just” did an Olympic triathlon – WTF?  It’s a triathlon and it’s hard!  And I’m downplaying it – why?  I think we downplay because we question our own competence.  We are comparing ourselves to other women (in my case triathletes) and always coming up short.

Imposter syndrome is an extension of negative self-talk that moves directly to our thoughts about our own competence.  It can be paralyzing.

You may tell yourself you aren’t smart enough to learn a new job or that you aren’t likeable enough for someone new to hire you.  Your negative self-talk might be that other moms handle their children better, that their houses are cleaner or their kids are smarter.  Or simply that you aren’t good enough.  Maybe you say to yourself, I would be happier and more successful if only…”insert your own negative thoughts here”.

Learning new things can be difficult, but it’s even more difficult if you start by telling yourself you can’t.

We need to keep telling ourselves that we CAN and we Will. 

Ok, so how do we do this?

* Stop the Comparisons – Stop comparing yourself to others.  We all know that many Instagram/Facebook/Twitter photos are edited and filtered.  We also know that people only post about the positives in their lives.  No one posts pictures of their messy house or a photo of themselves crying because they can’t get out of the house on time in the morning and they spilled their coffee on their suit (been there, done that).  But we all know this is the reality.  I’m not saying don’t use social media, but remind yourself IT IS NOT REAL.   It should carry a warning that “It is for entertainment purpose only”.

This goes for comparisons from daycare drop off to the gym – I tell my yoga students all the time to stay on their own mat.  Remember you are your own special person.  Embrace that person and grow from there.

* Talk Back to Yourself – When those thoughts creep up on you, tell them NO.  Stop the snowball effect and don’t let yourself walk down that path.  Recognize that you are headed that way, say NO (maybe even literally out loud- who cares if people look) and purposely redirect your thought process to kinder, gentler thoughts.  No one is perfect. 

* Support Each Other – This goes back to the blog I wrote a few weeks ago “Let’s Leave the Mean Girls to the Movies” (haven’t read it? Check it out!).  We HAVE to stop putting each other down and criticizing other women.  We are not really making ourselves feel better and we are just contributing to the problem.  Instead try to give a genuine compliment.  We all know how great that makes us feel – pay it forward.

At the end of the movie Mean Girls, Cady says "Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.”  I bet you didn’t know that movie had so many pearls of wisdom.

* Work on a Mantra – I was resistant to mantras as being silly until I actually tried one.  It took me awhile to find the one for me, but it really works!  I suggest you think about the attributes that cause you self-doubt and then think of the opposite – that would be part of your mantra. 

For example, let’s say you worry about being able to speak out and stand up for yourself, part of your mantra could be “I am strong” or “I am capable”.  If you stress over the way you look, maybe try “I am gorgeous” or “I am lovely the way I am”.

Piece together your statements and you have your mantra.  Repeat it to yourself over and over and over. 

None of this is easy, please don’t think that I am trying to say it is.  It will take work and effort to eliminate the negative self-talk and get out of our own way.  But I know you are worth it.  I know I am too.

Just remember to be kind to yourself during the process.

As Stuart Smalley (AKA Al Franken) from Saturday Night Live used to say “I’m good enough, I’m Smart Enough and Doggone it, People Like Me.”