Stress: How Can I Manage Life When It Feels So Unmanageable Some Days?
For those of you keeping tally, you probably noticed that Amy has written the last two blogs in my absence. I wish I had some great excuse like I was backpacking in Europe with no Wifi , but I don't.
The reality is that settling into my working-mom routine is harder than I thought and writing our blog, something I typically enjoy, felt like a chore. I got swamped at work, my son had a fever and a cold for a week, and we had family in town. I felt like I was putting out fires all over the place. Every time I got a new work email it felt like someone was sticking me with a pin. It was a chaotic and emotionally exhausting few weeks. I was out of my routine and I felt very out of sorts. I didn't get to exercise as much as I would like. I didn't get proper sleep. In simple terms, things were shitty.
I did a lot of thinking over the past few days off work and over this weekend and I've realized that stress is inevitable, especially as a working mom, but there are things I can do for myself to manage my brain and my life better. There are going to be days where nothing goes as planned. I will be late to work. I will leave my cellphone on the counter. I will burn dinner. I will forget to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer and they will sit all day. One of the animals will pee on the floor and then walk in it. That is just LIFE.
So how exactly can I manage days and weeks like the ones I just went through where everything feels crazy and out of control? I tried to brainstorm the best coping mechanisms and ways to manage stress besides crying in my car (I am a proponent of crying, but I also think there are more effective ways to take charge when things feel unmanageable). I know that self-care is a big buzzword these days, but I also know that it means more than bath bombs, wine, and pedicures. Those are nice luxuries and we all need to treat ourselves, but I want a plan to manage stress and reduce it where I can. A monthly pedicure isn’t going to suffice.
Here are some areas in my life where I know I can make some changes. I am sharing them with you so you can try them too, but also so that they are now in writing and I am forced to follow through with my commitments to myself.
Stop Checking Emails!
I work as a lawyer for the government and like most professionals, my work email is on my phone. My phone is with me all the time. I check it far more than is necessary. It is a terrible habit that I do mostly out of anxiety. It’s like biting my nails in that I do it without even realizing it.
Sometimes I find myself scrolling through old emails or checking/writing/editing emails during times when I could and should be relaxing. This drives my husband nuts and I don't blame him for being annoyed. My brain shuts down when I go into my phone and I literally can’t hear him talking to me even when we are in the same room. Who do I actually think is expecting a response from me at 9:30 at night? No one. Who wants to hear from me at 9:30 at night? Also no one. Emails can and should wait. If there is an actual emergency, someone can call me. We used to actually use phones for that purpose. I have somehow convinced myself that there is a prize for the person who responds to an email the fastest. Nope. Turns out, you just make yourself crazy with angst and you miss out on the opportunity to snuggle up next to your family and really enjoy a tv show or a movie.
So while I am not a fan of making promises and it’s far too late for a New Year's resolution, I am going to stop looking at my work email 50 times a night. I am not ready to commit to putting my phone away as soon as I get home (baby steps, right?), but I am willing to use it less often. I think it is reasonable to check my email once either before or after dinner and that's it. Anything beyond that is just making myself crazy, worried, and stressed for no legitimate reason.
Listen to My Body When She Needs to Rest
I do my best to exercise most days. There are some weeks when I work out 5-6 days and then there are weeks where I can barely squeeze in a 30 minute bike ride. This past week was the later. I was literally so exhausted I fell asleep in my work clothes one night. My body was clearly telling me that it needed to rest. And, yet, I didn't want to listen because I felt like I needed to exercise in order to take care of myself. The reality is I did need to take care of myself, but exercise wasn’t the answer.
I put unrealistic pressure on myself and ended up feeling guilty for being tired. Then I felt guilty for being guilty. I kept asking myself, isn't exercise self-care? Won’t I feel better afterwards? Most of the time, the answer is yes, but there are times when the body needs to recharge. Everyone is different and maybe someone else can work 8-9 hours a day and still have the energy to work out, but I am almost never that person. My body has always been a pretty good communicator and she tells me when I need to slow down and give myself a break. When I don’t listen to her cues I end up injured or depleted. So I am going to try and listen to my body more, even when it goes against what my brain is telling me. When I have had a long day or if a particular muscle is hurting me, I don't have anything to prove to anyone by forcing myself to do a 45 minute spin class (Sorry, Cody Rigsby, I will see you another day). My epitaph will not read "never missed a day in the gym" and if it did, that would be pretty darn sad.
Resting is just as important as being active and I always feel better when I've gotten proper sleep and I am fresh. I am going to really try and give myself permission to rest my body and my mind without guilt.
Take Mental Health Days
I am fortunate enough to work in a job where I accrue a lot of time off throughout the year. Most of the time, I use my leave for a particular purpose and it's usually a vacation or when I am sick. However, there are times when I simply need a day off to do nothing and to recharge my brain. I've felt guilty about taking an unplanned day off before, almost as if I am a kid in high school playing hooky. I always feel like I am doing something wrong, even when I am using the leave that I earned! It's as if I think I should be working every single day Monday-Friday like some kind of robot. Frankly, that sounds miserable and unsustainable.
I know that in order to show up every day as my best professional self, I need time away from work or I will start to crumble. Vacations can be a source of disconnecting, but they can also be stressful for different reasons, particularly if you're traveling on a tight schedule. There is a reason that God invented those terrible Netflix rom-coms and reality TV and it is to remind people like me that mental health days are a crucial part of every adult's life. I firmly believe that we work too hard and too long without giving ourselves a chance to just relax and take a breather. So I pledge that I am going to take a day to myself every couple of months and just do nothing. I will have no schedule and no alarms. I am going to do it when I feel that I need it and I am going to give myself permission to take that time for myself.
What does a mental health day look like? Maybe I will sleep until 9. I may wear pajamas all day and make myself a giant bowl of cereal and drink my coffee with my dogs on my lap. I may watch terrible reality tv and read People magazine if I feel like it. Maybe if I feel so inclined I will go for a long run and take a relaxing shower for as long as I want. Whatever I do, I am going to let myself fully enjoy the day which means no checking emails, doom scrolling social media or texting. None of that is even the slightest bit relaxing, even if you are just perusing Facebook! And when I return to work the next day, I plan to be rested and fully able to show up and give my best. Maybe it sounds overindulgent to take a mental health day, but I think that’s because we live in a society where we value work and productivity more than we do our physical and mental well-being.
There is a serious mental health crisis in this country and I don’t personally think Covid is the sole culprit.
No matter what you do for a living or how many kids you have, life is full of stress and unpredictability. That is a constant and it is something we have to accept. Whether you work full time, part time or not at all, being an adult with a life and a family isn’t easy.
I am learning that no matter how much I plan or prepare, there are going to be many days that are long, hard and sucky. Since having an on-call masseuse and a personal assistant are not in the budget, I have come up with some ways to manage my life and my brain so that I can cope with stressful situations and make the most of my time off. I hope you do whatever works for you and if you're feeling overwhelmed, just know that tomorrow is a new day. It may be just as long and hard as today, but I hope you find skills that work for you so you can manage the hard times and enjoy the good ones.
Not Tasha and Will, but mom with a cute baby :)