Dear Self: Some Life Advice for You, From an Older, Wiser Friend

I hosted my siblings and some of my extended family this past weekend and I thought about something. My nieces and nephews who are in their early 20s are all looking for jobs, getting their first apartments and otherwise “adulting.” I have a baby, a husband and a mortgage. I am now one of the old people. I’ve been technically adulting now for almost 20 years. As cliché as it sounds, it feels like yesterday that I was in college, sleeping until 11, going to a few hours of classes and then napping before going to the bars. What a life. I didn’t even know what I didn’t know back then. I had no idea what the future would hold.

I look back at that young girl and I wonder what advice I would give to her and if she would even listen. If I could go back in time, I think I would have a lot to tell her.

Here are just a few words of wisdom that I would tell my younger self.

Take Care of Your Physical and Mental Health:

In your early 20s, you’re probably in the best shape of your life despite a diet of cheap beer, bagels and pizza. I was a runner averaging about 5-6 miles a day back then and I ate like a bird.

Of course, I didn’t think I was good enough. However, there is more to health than just being thin and going to the gym. When I was younger, I didn’t care about the dentist, the dermatologist or the eye doctor. Now, I never miss an appointment. I want to live long and live well and I know that taking care of my whole body, not just the outside, is key. When you’re young, you feel invincible and if you’re like me, you think something like cancer is for older people. Three years ago, I had major surgery on my leg to remove skin cancer which I am pretty sure is from baking in the stupid tanning beds in college. I am lucky that I was proactive and made an appointment when I noticed a small bump on my leg, but that is only because I take my health far more seriously now than I once did. So please, start making an annual dermatologist appointment and when you’re there, schedule the next one so it’s already on your calendar. That way you don’t end up with a “shark bite” (as my husband affectionately calls my scar) on your leg to remind you of how silly you were in 2006.

As for mental health, I’ve always gone to therapy. I believe in it wholeheartedly and I think it is as important as any other medical appointment, even if you don’t see a doctor. Becoming a young adult is hard. Being an adult is hard. Everyone has “stuff” and talking it out is part of how we heal, grow and improve. I used to think that therapy was a secret and something to be ashamed of. It’s not at all. Think of it as taking your brain to the gym. A lot of people in their 20’s struggle with mental health issues and they numb out by over-drinking or doing drugs. I know it is part of the social scene, but drinking and smoking aren’t going to change the things in your life that upset you. They just bury it temporarily. Therapy is for everyone, including football players, sorority girls, and straight A students. And if you need medication to manage, there is no shame in that either.

Do not struggle in silence.

Get as much life experience as you can.

I know this is a broad one. I grew up in a bubble and acknowledge many privileges in my life. For a long time, I assumed and expected everyone to be like me, live like my family and think like I do. Turns out, that’s actually quite sheltered and you can end up very ignorant about the world if you don’t change.

If I could talk to my former self, I would tell her to travel and see the world, even if only for a semester. See how other people live and make an effort to understand and respect people who are different than you. Maybe it means you backpack across Europe or you do a humanitarian project across the world.

Or if you can’t do those things, then you take classes and do activities where you can get outside of your bubble. Sit next to someone who is different than you. You will be surprised at how much you can connect with someone who you might not suspect. You can major in whatever you want, even if you parents have their hearts set on you becoming a ________.

You get to choose whatever path you want. And guess what? It’s never too late to change your mind.

Stop worrying about the next step.

From the time we are little, we’re taught to always be preparing for the next level. Middle school teaches you study skills for high school. In high school you’re encouraged to take advanced classes so you can earn college credits. In college, you need to focus on applying to grad school. IT IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I was fairly studious as a kid, but I think I genuinely liked school and I was a rule follower. However, I remember there was a lot of pressure to take Advanced Placement classes so that you could come in “ahead” in college. Looking back, it all seems so unnecessary. When you’re in college, enjoy the time because it really does go by fast. What’s the hurry to graduate? The real world is far less exciting and in fact, it is rather boring. There are alarm clocks, bills, appointments, and deadlines. No one packs your lunch. No one gives you an allowance. I am not advocating that anyone slack off, but I do think you should relax, do your best most of the time, and enjoy being a young adult. College, including community college, is an awesome and unique time in your life.

Don’t rush through it because one day you will be 38 with a baby getting you up at 3:00 am and you will long for the days of your noon classes and your 12 hours of peaceful sleep.

Some of this advice I wish I had known 20 years ago, but I am also glad that I didn’t always know what to do and that I made a lot of mistakes along the way. It’s made me a pretty strong person and I have some good life stories to share with my son one day. Maybe he will listen to my advice when he is older and not assume that already knows everything like I did.

Wouldn’t that be something?