Mom: I am Just One Half of this Team!

Of all the titles and roles that I fill in my life, there is no title greater than Mom.

Literally, it is the best. I can’t wait until my son can actually say it.

But at the same time, there is nothing that makes me more annoyed than the wholly inaccurate assumption that because I am the mom, I am the primary parent. The one who is expected to handle doctor appointments. The one who has to take off and use my leave if he is sick. The one who coordinates play dates. The one who handles ALL THE THINGS.

I am only half of this parenting partnership and I have insisted from the minute Will was born that it be equal. I couldn’t see a successful happy marriage any other way. Lucky for me, my husband was on board, and he doesn’t think certain tasks are beneath him or above his pay grade. He actually changed every diaper in the hospital because I was in too much pain to move. When I had surgery on both wrists recently...more diaper changing for him. We take turns getting up in the middle of the night when our son cries and when he was eating every few hours throughout the night, we divided up those shifts, too. Lately, he’s done more than his fair share of getting up in the middle of the night and letting me sleep. I love him for this, and I know he doesn’t resent me.

Inside our house, we are a really awesome team, and it allows us to both have personal and professional lives outside of being just parents because we know we can count on each other. For example, if I have dinner plans with a friend, my husband will stay home with Will and I do the same for him if he wants to golf or get beers with one of his friends. Also….this is not babysitting! I cringe when I hear Dads refer to taking care of their kids as babysitting. He did his annual ski trip this year and I was alone with the baby for a few days. I didn’t love it, but I know that in order for my husband to show up as a good partner, he needs time away, too. I am going to the beach in June and I am leaving him to hold down the fort. I have no worries. I am not leaving him notes on what to do. (He is not the babysitter!)

Someone once asked me if I “let” him go out and leave me alone with the baby. I don’t even know how to respond. Neither of us are going to be tethered to each other or our child and if we didn’t trust the other one to take care of our kid, we would have clearly chosen the wrong partner.

While we may share in the parenting, I often feel like the outside world thinks my husband doesn’t exist. Or if he does exist, he is way too busy at work to deal with a sick kid. I continue to notice that the world thinks moms should be the primary caregivers. In my experience, that simply isn’t true. And in this modern world, why should it have to be? Does the extra X chromosome mean that I am the parent who is best suited to handle all the kid stuff? I notice this most often with his school. Anytime there is a phone call or an email home, it’s addressed to “Mom.” Just Mom. Baby has a fever? Call Mom. Daycare needs a refill on diapers? E-mail Mom. We forgot to send his sippie cup today? Call Mom. Mom! Mom! Mom! What the F? Call Dad!! Or call us both, but don’t assume that I am in charge of everything. It’s antiquated, sexist and frankly, not fair to me or my husband. This isn’t 1950. I did not marry Don Draper on Mad Men. We both work very busy jobs, and while I may have more flexibility at times, there are also times when I absolutely cannot miss work even if Will has a fever or a cold. There are also times when my husband can’t miss work either. (And when those times overlap, we panic, and then we break down and call my mother to save us).

We just went through this situation not too long ago when he was sick for an entire week. There was absolutely no way I was going to stay home for five days, reschedule all of my work, and deplete my time off while my husband went to work. I know there are Moms who prefer to do all of the caretaking when a little one is sick, but I am not one of them. It feels humbling to say this out loud, but I don’t always know what is best and I don’t always need to be in charge. (Yes, you read that right, Beau). I am just a mom doing my best. I’d rather share the workload than always be controlling all the details. Being in control of everything is a lot of work and it doesn’t sound very rewarding. The prize is exhaustion and resentment. I love my son more than life itself, so this isn’t about him. This is about balance and about partnership. I am not too proud to admit that I don’t know everything just because I’m his mom. At least my husband has done this whole parenting thing before. I’m basically googling my way through it flying by the seat of my mom-jeans.

When we had five days of a sick kid, we tag teamed it and it worked out. Was it fun? No. Did it suck? Sure did. But we made it through together. When a kid is sick for a week, that week feels about 19 days long. The nights are even longer because no one gets any sleep. When we each had an appointment or a meeting that we could not reschedule, we switched on and off who was home. We rotated who slept in the guest room, the only place where any real semblance of sleep could occur. When we needed to go to the pediatrician twice in one week, we took turns taking him and picking up medicine from various pharmacies all over town. Will is only one, but this is the example that I want to set for him early on. I want him to see that both Mom and Dad work hard and there is no such thing as “Mom’s job” or “Dad’s job.” He may go through periods where he prefers one of us over the other, but my hope is that he sees that we are both equally present in his life and we share in the responsibilities and the joys of being his parents.

I think the world is still telling women that we are supposed to be super-moms who do it all and still have the energy to post about it on social media. I stand here before you (actually sitting on my sofa but you get the point) telling you that I absolutely can not (nor do I want to) do it all.

Doing it all is a fool’s errand.

Being a mom is an amazing experience and there is a connection to your child that is almost magical. I still can’t get over the fact that this little human being grew and lived inside my body. Ours is a bond that is like no other and I am still in awe of him every single day. But he has another parent who is just as capable of nurturing him, feeding him, and tucking him in to bed.

While he may do things differently (often times more efficiently) he is still his Dad, and he is just as important in his life as I am.