Thoughts from a Bench Warmers Mom

My son spent most of his senior year of high school varsity soccer career sitting on the bench. 

He was not alone.  He sat there, game after game, with over 10 other teammates.  And all of us parents of bench warmers discussed, dissected, and complained to each other about the unfairness of the situation and our dislike for the coach for the entire season.  It was really hard to watch, it hurt my mom heart.

I freely admit my son generally handled it better than I did.  We discussed quitting and joining the cross-country team, but he decided he enjoyed practice enough to stick with it.  He played occasionally for a few minutes but sat on the bench game after game.  Although I could sometimes feel his frustration, he assured me he was alright whenever I asked.

High school sports are of course different from club, rec, and travel teams.  I absolutely understand that the best players start, and this coach decided that my son was not one of them.  But to many of us it appeared that winning was the only important thing to this coach.  I could go on and on about my many issues with him, but that will get me nowhere.  We are told that winning is not the only reason we should encourage our kids to play sports, but it’s hard to embrace the other reasons when a seemingly coach ignores them. 

We are told high school sports and teams in general are important for many reasons, and this was the part that frustrated me the most.  They say sports are excellent for learning good sportsmanship and team building.  That playing helps with self esteem and that our kids learn other important lessons as well.  Maybe this is true.  And maybe you learn these lessons while sitting on the bench as much as you do playing, but I find that hard to believe.  The biggest lesson I can see from this season is that life is not fair, but I think there are plenty of other places for our kids to learn that lesson.

From a mom’s perspective this year was rough.  I really wanted to see my son play soccer in his final year of high school after watching and cheering him on since kindergarten.  But it wasn’t meant to be, and I won’t lie that I wasn’t angry about it.  I don’t consider myself an angry person, but this made me angry.  I felt cheated.  My mama bear came out.  I purposely spent time away from the parents whose kids played during the game because I didn’t want to hear the cheering or the sympathy.  I used to go out of my way to go to every game no matter how far away because I know there is value to just showing up.  I didn’t go out of my way this year; I’ll save that for track season.  My son told me he understood and appreciated my efforts.

Now I am self-aware enough to know that because of my background and experience at being a bench warmer myself I might be very sensitive to the phenomena.  But I also think it’s just seeing my kid so disappointed and not being able to do anything about it that affected me the most.

I do have first-hand experience with bench warming myself to understand how it feels.

I was a bench warmer my junior and senior year of high school.  I made the girls varsity softball team, but I was a third string pitcher behind two amazing young ladies who went on to softball scholarships.  No way I was playing much and as much as it hurt and as frustrated as I got, part of me understood.  I stuck it out my junior year.  But I found my senior year as a score keeper so demoralizing that I decided it would be better for me to leave the team and concentrate on working more hours after school.  It was the right choice for me, and I never regretted it.  But it does give me perspective.

I shared my experience with my son, and we talked about how I felt frustrated and angry with the coach and the situation.  I shared with him why I quit and that it was a good choice for me.  After many discussions, he decided to stick with the team, and I am proud of him for making an educated choice.  I have never agreed with the philosophy that quitting would let the team down or that he made a commitment and needed to stick with it.  I feel those type of blanket statements don’t take feelings into account and lead people to stay in jobs or relationships that are not healthy for them.  It is OK to quit when it is the healthy choice for you.

The end to this season was bittersweet for me.  It is another “last time”, which just keep piling up as my youngest son moves through his senior year of high school.  It clearly did not go as I had hoped and planned, but I am proud of my son.  He looked at his options, talked about how he felt, and made a decision that was best for him. 

Maybe there was a lesson from this soccer season after all.  Even from the bench.